The Not-So-Secret Diary of a Bad Luck Girl

I did it. Whew.

*Sigh.* So Thanksgiving.

Bad news first. Had a HUGE fight with my mother. I don’t even want to get into the details. Mea culpa, but it was a small thing that she let fester for weeks till finally she decided to pull a silent treatment, which of course I couldn’t leave alone, resulting in a giant, tear-inducing argument.

To tell the truth, it was a long time coming. I know I’ve been emotionally distant from my parents these last several months and that I’ve been in a selfish phase. I expected everything to come to a head, and wish it had been worked out more calmly, but we’re taking about my mother here, with her temper and stuborness, SO stubborn that she can’t even admit that she has a temper or is stubborn, a deadly combination. And my poor nice dad caught in the middle, only wanting a peaceful family get-together.

In the end we talked things through and now we understand each other better, and my mother is over her mad and happy again, but I still fell sorta crummy about the whole thing. I feel beaten down. I’ve been pushed in to the peace maker role again – aping my role when I was married – and it feels extra yucky because I realize now that’s how I was during my marriage.

But there’s no use in expressing these feelings because she refuses to listen; she thinks she’s right and that there’s a certain way to behave, and these other feelings don’t matter.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt bad like this, and I hate her for making feel like this over such a small thing. But those feelings will pass. Once I get some time and distance. Three nights and days was way too much time to spend with them.

I remembered again what someone said, that we all marry our mothers, men and women, and for me it was true. I should have married someone like my dad who though he can be impatient and antisocial, never flips out about anything. Takes everything in stride and doesn’t get insulted by small things. He keeps an eye on the bigger picture, he knows that his children love him, and if he’s assured that we’re okay, that’s all that matters.

Anyway.

Onto more cheerful things. Had a blast with ES. She came in Tuesday night, first stopping at my office to check it out. Then we headed uptown and visited with SB and Ellie. ES is really good at playing with kids. She’s more energetic than I am, and little Ellie was in love.

Around 8:30 SB’s dad came to pick up Ellie for the evening, and we three went out to dinner. La Tour is a French place near me that has all you can eat mussels and frites for $18, which is what I should have gotten. Instead I opted for the French sheperd’s pie, which was like regular sheperd’s pie minus the deep dish as well as the flavor, though it was probably supposed to have that. ES got the steak tartare, which she said wasn’t very good either. SB’s mussels were delish.

Wednesday morning ES went to meet her mother and get tickets for an afternoon show. I worked out, then met ES, her mom, their cousin, and SB for lunch at Ruby Foo’s. Unlike the night before, the food was really good. I got the pad thai, which usually isn’t filling enough for me, but this one was chock full of shrimp, chicken, tofu, soybeans, and other veggies.

While ES, her mom, and cousin went to see The Color Purple, which I’ve already seen, SB and I headed to Macy’s. However, after walking five very crowded blocks, I decided I couldn’t take it. I hung out at home instead, surfing the net and packing my stuff for the weekend.

After the show ES came back uptown, and she, SB, SB’s husband, and I went out to dinner. Italian this time. Then ES and I had a quiet night in, watching the end of the Madonna concert (that woman is in shape, to say the least) and Top Chef, which was fun to watch with another fan.

Thursday morning we were up early to go to the parade. The weather was HORRIBLE. Cold and rainy. My hands were numb by the end. First we waited for the bus. Waited and waited and waited. Finally, we just walked it, which didn’t take too long, but of course it’d have been better if the weather were nicer.

We couldn’t get too close to the parade itself. You had to have special tickets to sit on the bleachers, which were on the east side of Central Park West. To get the the west side of the street would have meant going all the way down the 42nd Street and taking the S train, and coming back up. Ridiculous! But from where we were, we could see well enough.

This poor dog embodies how I felt during the parade:

We stayed for just half an hour, though it felt much longer. Trudged our way back to my apartment, then vegged for a good hour, watching the rest of the parade on TV.

The train out to New Jersey was cuh-RAY-zy. We got there just as our train arrived so I decided to bite the bullet and pay the surcharge onboard, but it was so crowded, the conductors never even collected our tickets.

For Thanksgiving dinner my parents and I had Mongolian hotpot, as opposed to turkey and such.

A warm and hearty meal.

Friday we hit the mall in the afternoon, and after that is when my mother and I had our fight. Fast forward to that night after we made up. I do have to say she reached out to me first, which pre-divorce she’d have NEVER done. So that’s a step forward.

Saturday I saw ES again, the only reason I stayed for so long. Otherwise I’d have left Saturday afternoon. While Thursday was rainy and horrible, the rest of the weekend was gorgeous. ES and I walked around Princeton, which is decked out now for Christmas. Then we met our from AY for dinner at this new place, the Witherspoon Grill. So good. I had the lobster pot pie. Yum!

It was pretty early when we finished, maybe 8:30, and so we got dessert at the Bent Spoon, a new and very popular “organic, artisan ice cream” place, which I think is just a fancy way of saying gelato.

First saw this at running42K’s, then Canadian Hemlock, then Zerodoll, then Jayfish, then Pandax. Whew!

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
My forehead looks extra wrinkly.

2. How much cash do you have on you?
$120. Getting ready for the weekend.

3. What’s a word that rhymes with “DOOR?”
SCORE!

4. Favorite planet?
Pluto. (I am a planet, I’m not a planet, I am a planet. . .)

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
ES, my pal from high school.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
Don’t have one now. Would like it to be a riff from Dirt off Your Shoulder by Jay-Z.

7. What shirt are you wearing?
An orange sweater from J. Jill.

8. Do you “label” yourself?
No – why would anyone want to?

9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing?
Chocolat.

10. Bright or Dark Room?
Bright but with the blinds drawn.

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
Okay, I’m puckering up. . .
Running42K: great family man who inspires me to run and makes me hungry with his food descriptions
Canadian Hemlock: funny, intelligent, sensitive gal who takes great pics
Zerodoll & Jayfish: cutest couple in cyberspace
Pandax: Intelligent and insightful, posts great articles that I otherwise would have never read.

12. What does your watch look like?
Don’t have a watch. Haven’t worn one in many years.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Probably snoring and grinding my teeth. (Yeah, I’m a catch.)

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
“I was wrong. The co that offered me a job b4 was another.”

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?
Eight blocks north of my apartment.

16. Whats a word that you say a lot?
Like.

17. Who told you he/she loved you last?
I don’t like this question.

18. Last furry thing you touched?
Is this dirty or what?

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
None excluding caffeine and antioxidants.

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
None. I’m a digital girl.

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
Thirty-three.

22. Your worst enemy?
As everyone says, me myself and I.

23. What is your current desktop picture?
Jayfish is right: I remember answering this question before. What I want to change my desktop to is a recent pic I took of a winding stairwell.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
“Okay, bye.”

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
Hmm, how can I make flying lucrative? Market myself? Fly into vaults and steal money? Ech, too much work. A million bucks.

26. Do you like someone?
Boo hoo, not like that.

27. The last song you listened to?
Gwen Stefani’s new single. Have you seen the video? Trippy.

28. What time of day were you born?
9ish in the am.

29. What’s your favorite number?
9

30. Where did you live in 1987?
New Jersey

31. Are you jealous of anyone?
All successful young (ie, younger than me) authors.

32. Is anyone jealous of you?
Maybe but I don’t know.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
On 43rd Street and Lexington Avenue, looking south at black smoke.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Like a sucker, I put in more .

35. Do you consider yourself kind?
Is nice the same as kind? I’m not very nice but I hope I’m kind.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
The tattoo saga! Over my right shoulder blade.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
French.

38. Would you move for the person you loved?
In the past, yes. Now? Hard to say.

39. Are you touchy feely?
Yes with someone I really like.

40. What’s your life motto?
I’d rather regret something I’ve done than something I haven’t done.

41. Name three things that you have on you at all times?
At ALL times? Um, my hair, my skin, and a chip on my shoulder (haha).

42. What’s your favourite town/city?
New York of course.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
Dinner last night (French shepard’s pie).

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
In September, birthday card for my brother.

45. Can you change the oil on a car?
Nope.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
Last I heard he, his pregnant wife, and their first kid were living with his parents on Long Island.

47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?
Only to my great-grandparents who apparently owned a lot of stuff in China. Hence, the fleeing from the Communists.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?
I wore a suit and pearls last month to do a presentation.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My knee from sitting on the floor in this weird position for too long.

50. Have you been burned by love?
Yup, but see #40.

“But when one masters this wretched desire, which is so hard to overcome, then one’s sorrows just drop off, like a drop of water off a lotus.” Buddha

“She wondered whether having final responsibility for someone, even a creature like a horse or a dog, was fundamentally opposed to the wild and inward journey of writing. Protective worrying, engaging with another’s mind as one entered it, taking the dominant role as one guided another’s fate, was hardly mental freedom. Perhaps she might become one of those women – pitied or envied – who chose not to have children.”

This book is so good. I think I’ve found a new favorite author.

Television seemed really good this week, or maybe for some reason I was more susceptible.

Veronica Mars

I’ve grown to love this show, but I can’t get over that most of the actors look so much older than their characters.

ANTM

I’m afraid I’m not loving anyone this season. I want to root for the twins, but while they rock most of their pictures, they haven’t wowed me in other ways. I was all for CariDee for a while, but now she kind of freaks me out. As for Jaeda, it’s about time, though I feel bad she had to kiss that racist asshole.

Top Chef

Okay, Sam is a total freakin’ hotty. The fat camp girl and I agree. Ilan is a cutie too, and while I liked Mia in the beginning, now I think she’s two-faced.

I believe Betty didn’t maliciously cheat, but she had to realize she was trying to get away with something by replacing the Splenda with real sugar.

As for Marcel, he’s a complete dick but it was pretty hilarious when he referred to Betty as his “arch nemesis” and likened being paired with Frank with having a less than desirable prom date.

The Office

Oh my God, how devastating about Jim and Karen. Poor Pam, though what’s Jim supposed to do? Wait around? I want to hate Karen but the only reason to hate her is because she’s dating Jim.

On another note, the actress who plays Karen is the daughter of Quincy Jones and actress Patty Lipton. And yet another, the guy who plays Dwight is so frigging hilarious.

A few weeks ago, I received some free samples of Cellcosmet cosmetics from Saks Fifth Avenue. Now I’m addicted.

What I got were the Anti-Stress Mask, the Concentrated Night cream, and the Preventive Day cream, and I loved them all. Cellcosmet is an anti-aging line from Switzerland, and indeed after using the products, my face seemed smoother and less wrinkly.

I wrote earlier that I went to Sak’s to check out the products – and prices – in person. Everything was very expensive. $115 for the mask, $255 for the night cream, and $195 for the day, and yet I was still considering buying, if not all, then at least one of the items.

“It’s like drugs,” I told the salespeople. “You get some free samples, and then you’re addicted.”

They weren’t amused. “It’s your skin,” one said. “It’s important.”

Oh, lighten up.

Although I didn’t buy anything, I walked away with more free samples, including the Activator Gel, which does something or another to your face so that your other products work better. And you know what? I think it works.

As usual, beware upcoming spoilers.

Finally, stuff happened! A few observations.

1) Marty is my kind of hot. I always thought Rory should have picked Marty over Logan.
2) Christopher is my kind of hot too. I saw an old episode when he had longer hair, and his buzz cut is way better.
3) But I still think it should be Luke and Lorelai.
4) Lorelai was hilarious about the jetlag, cheeseburgers, and being so hungry.
5) I love the idea of walking around Paris in the middle of the night.
6) “Welcome home, Mrs. Hayden.” Lorelai futzing with her wedding band. GACK!
7) Zach was so cute to Lane. Maybe I’m a sucker. Can’t help it.

On another note, I’m sooo behind for NaNoWriMo. Like 2,000 words behind. Monday I did zero writing, Tuesday I did a tiny bit, having rewritten a scene three times, and today I did a tiny bit since I was at an all-day training session, which runs tomorrow as well. I’ll try to do some tonight.

There’s always the weekend. Five thousand words a day? Sure, why not.

Friday night YP and I caught our coworker, J.’s, opera performance, which was held in the basement of a church near where I live. I’m not an opera expert so I couldn’t give an assessment except to say that some voices were stronger than others, and some people were better actors than other. J. was quite hilarious. She played a Russian prince and really owned the part.

Saturday I was up fairly early to pack my stuff and go to the ‘rents’. Laundry, lunch, and NaNoWriMo. I also read quite a bit of Beauty Junkies, by Alex Kuczynski. The subtitle is The Industry, the Hype, the Beauties, and the Beasts.

Fascinating! Did you know that there would basically be no plastic surgery if not for World War I, the first war in which artillery of such force was used in such close contact with soldiers that it was the first time there were casualties like having half your face blown off.

Faces were reconstructed out of necessity, and as times became more peaceful and people got richer, reconstructive surgery began to include cosmetic surgery, surgery done for purely aesthetic reasons.

Then due to the changing healthcare landscare – insurance nightmares, HMOs taking over, etc. – plastic surgery became more appealing to doctors. Because cosmetic surgery is never covered by insurance, they don’t have to deal with those hassles, and instead get a huge wad of cash for an hour’s worth of work.

And that’s just a sampling. The author explores the Botox boom and accompanying dangers and horror stories (hello, it’s derived from poison!), celebrities and plastic surgery (there’s a reason Nicole Kidman seems so icy – her face barely moves), and L.A. vs New York (not much difference). Makes me embrace the lines on my forehead a little.

My mother annoyed me a bit over the weekend. In trying to share more about my life, I told her about YP and I going to J.’s opera. Instead of thinking oh great, you went out and did something interesting, she could only focus on the fact that I was doing a friend thing instead of a date thing. She gave a big sigh and said, “Don’t you want to meet anyone else?”

At that point I clammed up. I guess I could tell her that I’ve dating off and on for the past 18 months, and that I’ve dated two people exclusively, but I don’t know if this will reassure her or make her worry more and ask a million questions about how I met these people, and whether or not I know they’re okay, and exactly how far did I go with the two I dated exclusively (THERE’S a conversation I NEVER want to have). My bet is on the latter.

I just don’t have the energy to have a whole giant discussion about how I need a break from dating and want to concentrate on myself. It’s not like talking to my friends who understand immediately. It’s like, not only do I have to come to that realization myself and learn to grow and accept my life as it is – not only accept, but to learn to love it, which I’m finding I am, I have to try and convince my mother everything’s okay.

Maybe I’ll have the strength to do it eventually. Not right now. If I open it up now, I feel like I’m just going to be snappish and it’ll turn into an argument. So instead I bury my nose in my book.

Anyway, Sunday was more NaNoWriMo. After I came back, I got to see SB and Ellie for a bit. I must bore them with my, “Oh my God, she’s even taller now!” That little girl cracks my shit up. They had taken a trip to Las Vegas and saw the Cirque de Soleil. At one point out of nowhere, Ellie said something like, “Babwa [her grandmother, Barbara] put one hand here” – covering one ear – “and Poppy [her grandfather] put one hand here” – convering her other ear. “Circus too loud!” I was like, “What the hell is she talking about?”

They saw the Cirque with the guy dressed up like a baby (I forget the name). SB asked, “Was there a baby?” Ellie got a weirded out look on her face and was like, “Not a baby, a man baby.” I said, “That was weird, right?” For the next twenty minutes, she repeated, “Man baby. Weird. Man baby. Weird,” except she pronounced “weird” with something like a Boston accent. Just like flower. “Flowah,” she says.

Gloomy Monday.