The Not-So-Secret Diary of a Bad Luck Girl

Because it feels good
Because even when it doesn’t feel good, it feels better afterwards
Because I always feel better afterwards and never worse
Because no other exercise is its equal
Because it makes me feel superior
Because it makes me feel like an alien being who does this crazy thing and barely gets out of breath
Because I can climb stairs and barely get out of breath
Because my red blood cells love it
Because my lungs love it
Because of the sweat
Because of the hot shower afterwards
Because of the peace afterwards
Because I can pig out afterwards
Because it makes me crave healthy food
Because it helps me sleep well
Because it keeps colds away
Because of runner’s thighs, butt, and calves
Becuase of skinny ankles
Because it gives me good posture
Because it makes me nimble
Because it’s free
Because it’s freeing
Because it clears my mind
Because it’s one of the few times my mind and body meld
Because I’m not such a great dancer but running to dance music makes me feel like I am
Because of the high
Because it saved me when I was at my lowest low
Because I love speeding past people on the sidewalk
Becuase I was always one of the fastest kids
Becuase it’s the closest I get to childhood
Because I can do it
Because if I were ever on a Lord of the Rings-type journey, I could keep up with Legolas, or at least Aragorn
Because of the sprint
Because of resisting the sprint
Because it’s the closest I get to flying

I’m trying out the Imagination Prompt Generator that Hemlock and Zydecofish have been using.

My job and career have been on my mind a lot lately. For a long time, my field was pretty stable, but now things are uncertain. I don’t think I’m at risk for losing my job – I’m rather low on the totem pole – but to tell the truth, I wish I were.

The severance package is sweet. I’d be set for several months, during which I could do a number of things. Travel a bit, go to school, get a more interesting and probably lower paying job, basically try something new.

If money didn’t matter at all, I’d go to journalism school and get some non-paying internship at a newspaper or magazine, mainly for the chance to write and get clips. I’d still work on novels and short stories, but that couldn’t be the only thing. I’d need some outside stimulation as well.

If it turned out I didn’t like journalism, I’d try something else. Who knows what, but if money didn’t matter, who cares?

I’ve heard that one’s answer to the above question is what one really wants to do. Maybe I could still go to journalism school, even if I don’t get laid off. I could go part-time and hopefully get some sort of scholarship.

But is it worth it? Any j-school vets out there who can speak on that?

Friday was freezing cold, but I walked home, needing to stop along the way for a variety of groceries. At my apartment, I cleaned, ate dinner, watched TV, and read, waiting for ES to arrive, which she did after 11:30.

The poor girl had to wait an hour to even get on a bus to a New York, and then there was all the weekend traffic. By the time we got her settled in and chatted a bit, it was after 1. Time to sleep!

The next morning I thought I’d wake up naturally around 8, but I was basically comatose till after 9. We were up because we wanted to get to the Whitney before 11, picking up SB along the way. It’s the last weekend of the Picasso and American Art exhibit, and I was imagining a very long line.

It wasn’t bad. I’ve been by at times that the line goes down the block. Plus the fact that I had my corporate ID meant the shorter line.

No matter what I love museums, but it’s much more fun to go with friends, and being there with ES and SB reminded me of traveling, the same feeling I had going through the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam, the Musee D’Orsay in Paris, the House of the Black Madonna in Prague.

I love that feeling of peace while I look at a painting, listening to the history and inspiration behind it on an audio tour, knowing my friends are nearby. And usually I’m jazzed on coffee because we almost always eat before walking around, a tradition.

This time we ate afterwards, at Sarabeth’s downstairs. Like last time, I had the lox and cream cheese omelet. So frigging good. The mocha and scone weren’t half bad either.

Next we headed downtown. We walked all over, stopping in the Peanut Butter & Company, where we split an Elvis – a deep-fried peanut butter, banana, and bacon sandwich, which would have better with more bacon – and another mocha for me, which turned out to be one too many. Couldn’t finish it. Also picked up a jar of Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter. Yum!

We also stopped in my personal favorite chocolate spot, Jacques Torres, excellent timing as I had just run out of my Wicked Hot Chocolate. We chilled there a bit as well but didn’t ingest anything as we were all so full we couldn’t imagine eating ever again.

That is until we made our way back to the east side and Village Yokocho, a real Japanese place run by Japanese, not Chinese, people. Something about it seemed very authentic to us. The food wasn’t the run of the mill rolls and udons and teriyakis, but weird things like various Japanese pickles. . .

. . .yakitori. . .

okonomiyaki, which ES and I had in Japan and loved.

Being in Village Yokocho made me wistful for Tokyo. I find myself missing the city though I was there for barely a week.

After dinner we headed home and got back pretty early, before 9:30. We agreed to have a lesiurely Sunday. “Don’t call me,” SB said as she headed to her place. “I’ll call you.” Had a relaxing night in, both of us exhausted, though in a good way.

This morning we had a late breakfast at Sable’s, then walked down to Dylan’s Candy Bar. I’ve been there before, and to me it’s not that different any other candy place. Then we walked back uptown, stopping in Molton Brown, Aveda, and Sephora. I got some lovely Molton Brown Warming Eucalyptos shower gel and body scrub. It smells HEAVENLY.

ES left around 5. How quickly my apartment feels quiet and empty. The busyness of everyday life will fill it again soon.

Blah, work tomorrow.

The other night I went to a lecture by a famous author. He had interesting things to say about writing and politics, but what really struck me came from a question from the audience:

“You’ve often been described as both a genius and a narcissist. What are your thoughts on that?”

Obnoxious, sure. So I heard you’re totally full of yourself – what’s up with that? While the author didn’t answer if he thought he was a narcissist or not, his ideas on narcissists themselves were intriguing.

Essentially he said that narcissists are so caught up in themselves, it’s hard for them to fall in love, but when they do, usually it’s with another narcissist because they see something in that person that’s like them, and then the energy between the two is very intense but short-lived.
This made me think of DK. He told me how he has trouble falling in love, that his relationships are either just sort of nice and skimming along the surface, or obssessive and usually with someone who turns out to be “not a very nice person.”

So I did some research on narcissism and was disappointed to find that DK most likely didn’t have full-blown NSD. For some reason, I get reassurance being able to name or categorize some type of behavior. Oh, so that’s why Whomever is such an asshole. He has Whatever Personality Disorder.

Remember those commercials for Social Anxiety Disorder? They’d show some poor guy with his forehead pressed against the wall, unable to leave the house. The description of the symptoms convinced me that I had it, and rather than worse, I felt better. There’s a name for what I have! I’m not just painfully shy! Doesn’t everyone get heart palpitations, stomachaches, and the sweats before speaking to a group? Just me? Hey, so I’m special. There’s something wrong with me but I can’t help it, see, because I have this disroder.

In my further research on narcissim, I found this article on “co-narcissim” and coping with narcissistic parents. Not that my mother has NCD, but a lot in the article describes her to a tee:

There are. . .many behaviors that can stem from narcissistic concerns, such as. . .an inability to emphathize with other’s experience, interpersonal rigidity, an insistence that one’s opinions and values are “right,” and a tendency to be easily offended and take things personally.

I’m sure we all know people like this.

Something else:

To the extent that parents are narcissistic, they are controlling, blaming, self-absorbed, intolerant of others’ views, unaware of their children’s needs and of the effects of their behavior on their children, and require that the children see them as the parents wish to be seen. They may also demand certain behavior from their children because they see the children as extensions of themselves, and need the children to represent them to the world in ways that meet the parents’ emotional needs.

Hm, so are all Asian parents narcissistic? Is it culturally inherent?

In addition:

The children are punished if they do not respond adequately to the parents’ needs. This punishment may take a variety of forms, including physical abuse, angry outbursts [check], blame [check], attempts to instill guilt, emotional withdrawal [double check], and criticism [check].

Maybe I’m not being fair. My mother is concerned about me out of genuine feelings and affection, but so is my father and he’s never controlling, blaming, or intolerant of my views. He never demands behavior from me because of how the world perceives me, and therefore him, but out of concern for my well-being.

More:

Co-narcissitic people, as a result of their attempts to get along with their narcissistic parents, work hard to please others, defer to other’s opinions, worry about how others think and feel about them, are often depressed or anxious, find it hard to know their own views and experience, and take the blame for interpersonal problems. They fear being considered selfish if they act assertively.

While I’m not depressed, I do have a tendency to the above behaviors and as a result sort of “lose myself” in relationships.

And still more:

Children of narcissists tend to feel overly responsible for other people. They tend to assume that others’ needs are similar to those of their parents, and feel compelled to meet those needs by responding in the required manner. They tend to be unaware of their own feelings, needs, and experience, and fade into the background of relationships.

While I’m single, I feel strong and independent, but when I get into a relationship, I tend to become over accomodating, always thinking about the other person’s feelings first, which could get annoying for the other person too, although he is most likely the dominant one (like my mother), as that seems to be what I’m attracted to.

What to do? Being aware of this is the first step, then to take steps to remedy the behavior. But it does worry me that I won’t ever be able to have a healthy relationship, that I’ll always tend to go for these dominant men and lose myself in the process.

Part of the reason I’m not dating is that it’s just easier. I’m strong enough to be on my own, but I’m not strong enough to be in a healthy relationship. Meeting my own needs is easier. Meeting my own needs in addition – I was about to say in addition to my significant other’s, but that’s the pattern again, isn’t it? That I feel have to meet someone’s needs. I mean, I should to some extent, but it shouldn’t be this obligation, this chore.

Wow. That just occurred to me.

And in conclusion today, class:

When we feel guilty or anxious because we fear that we are not meeting someone else’s needs or expectations, we are being co-narcissistic. . .

It is often helpful. . .to realize that the other person’s behavior is a result of their own views and experience, is not a reflection on oneself, and one’s self-esteem does not have to be affected by their behavior.

I’m sure my mother had a co-naricissistic relationship with her parents. She was blamed as a child for ridiculous things, her father was probably emotionally distant, and her mother, my dear 90-year old grandmother, probably always thought she was right. Plus the whole “children as an extension of the parents” thing.

Before trying all this “self-therapy,” I thought I was much more together. Words like “co-naricissist” or “co-dependent” never entered my language. I thought it all hooey. Ironically, as I learn more about myself, I’m realizing I’m more fucked up than I thought, which in a weird way is a relief, to realize that I don’t always have to be strong, that I don’t always have to show that I’m holding it together.

For the first time, I’m thinking about seeking a therapist, not to repair a relationship or to repair another person, just for me.

This blog helps too.

I don’t usually put much stock in horoscopes. Most are so general they could be applied to anyone, or else so cryptic I don’t understand what they’re saying.

But there’s one I read regularly that so far has been pretty on the ball though I don’t realize it till after the fact. For instance for January:

As the holidays fade into memory, you seem very excited about the idea of being able to perk up the look of your home. It might be that an ad for a sale on beautiful furniture or linens has caught your eye and suddenly sparked your imagination. It’s also possible that you received cash or a gift certificate from Santa last month that will allow you to splurge on a few new things for home.

When I read this earlier this month, I thought, Not me, I don’t need anything for my apartment. I had indeed received a small bonus in December, which I planned to spend on beauty products, books, CDs, etc.

Then after I came back from L.A. and I was going through my mail, I by chance glanced through the Crate & Barrel catalog and spotted the infamous desk, and by week’s end I had it.
My horoscope also said:

This development will happen as a result of the full moon in home-oriented Cancer, January 3, which will act like a fairy godmother, helping you transform a certain home-related vision into a reality. Not all full moons are this friendly, so be happy that it is, and use it to get things done! This moon will send a golden beam to Uranus, the planet of unexpected developments, so at least some of what transpires will likely surface suddenly, perhaps because you find yourself in the right place at the right time. How lucky!

Weird!

I checked the others signs to see if she said the same thing about everyone, and she didn’t seem to.

She was also on the ball about the events in my life from 2004 and 2005. She said that 2005 would mark the end of a long, trying time for me – something to do with Saturn – and now everything will be going up for the next, like, quarter of a century.

I see good horoscopes more like therapy rather than predictions of the future. They’re reassuring, a way of confirming the events in my life.

“Twice a week at six thirty Claire drove into Boston, to Dr Byford’s house in Chapel Hill, and paid him eighty dollars an hour to help her seek out personal insight. Together they tried to comprehend the chaos of pain Claire had unleashed. . . .The Howard episode was only the last and most spectacular in a long line of acts of emotional cruelty she had felt impelled to inflict upon herself.”

Herself?

I’m loving this book so far but I hate Claire, as I think I’m supposed to. Claire and Howard, who is married, have been friends for years, till one day she decides to throw herself at him and they have an affair.

Of course Howard is at fault too, but that Claire seems to barely think of the “chaos of pain” unleashed not only on Howard’s wife Kiki but on his whole family just makes me despise her.

Poor Kiki.

Enough with the desk already, right? Too bad.

It arrived Friday night at 7:15 so I’m glad I rushed through my workout and got home in time. The boxes were smaller and lighter than I was expecting – the guy was able to carry both at once up to my apartment – so I might have been able to bring them home myself. Oh well.

Before tackling the desk, I first brought my old bookcase downstairs, almost klling myself a couple of times, to leave on the sidwalk. By the next morning it was gone.

The desk was pretty easy to put together, but I was dismayed to find that I’d have to drill a wall mount. Not that I’ve never drilled anything before – my window blinds, towel rack, tie rack appropriated as a necklace holder – but I always find that kind of work a little daunting at first. Of course when I actually did it, it was fine. Not perfect but secure enough.

Now I want to get a matching bookcase. There’s a place in my bedroom that would be perfect for it.

Last night I walked over to Crate & Barrel and checked out the desk in person. It’s quite sturdy and heavy, difficult to knock down unless I went on a drunken rampage.

It’s so sturdy and heavy in fact that I wasn’t able to bring it home last night. It comes in two large boxes, which a cab might or might not have taken, and which I might or might not have been able to drag up three flights of stairs.

So I splurged for the $15 delivery charge. Taking the desk back myself would have cost me about $10 for the cab, plus a hernia. And unlike UPS or FedEx, C&B can deliver at off-hours, like tonight between 7 and 10.

Last night I surprised myself by being extremely un-lazy and:

1) making room in the one large storage bin I have by tossing my cassette tapes

2) emptying the bookcase I’m getting rid of, stashing my CDs in said storage bin, putting books and notebooks where there’s room in one of my large bookcases, and setting aside things for my desk

3) cleaning the floor where the bookcase once was

4) cleaning both my dressers, the floors beneath them (dust bunnies? more like dust hyenas – Haha, Anna! they laughed. You’re all sneezy!), and moving them to their new places.

Now the space is all ready for my new piece of furniture. Hopefully I can put it together on the first try.

I’m thinking about getting this desk.

For the past year and a half that I’ve been living in my apartment, I’ve had no desk, just a coffee table, which isn’t really conducive to long hours in front of my laptop. Either I sit on the floor or pile up books to make my laptop high enough for me to reach from my couch. Neither position is comfortable; both end up hurting my neck, shoulders, and upper back.

I’d have to get rid of a bookcase and move my dressers around, but that’s okay. I have 3 bookcases, two big ones that are nice and a smaller one that I bought unfinished almost 10 years ago. It’s the smaller one I’d toss. I feel like I’ve gotten plenty of use out of it.

As for the stuff in the bookcase, it’s not organized well. It’s sort of my place for dumping stuff that doesn’t fit elsewhere. Getting rid of it will force me to organize things better and throw out stuff I don’t need, like my cassette tapes from the late ’80s and early ’90s. I long ago bought CDs to replace the ones I really like, and I doubt that Madonna’s True Blue is a collector’s item.

I’m excited about having an actual desk. I already have a chair, which is just acting as a coat rack right now. Getting the desk home will be a challenge. Since I don’t have a doorman and don’t want to take a day off work, I can’t have it delivered. So I’ll have to cab it. Luckily Crate & Barrel isn’t far from where I live.

Back from L.A. and trying to recover from the red eye.

I thought I’d try something new since I tend to ramble on in these recaps. And plus I’m just plain tired. So, putting a spin on the hundreds list, here are 40 things about my trip to L.A.

1. It’s better to take a whole day off from work on the day you’re leaving for a trip rather than trying to book early.
   
2. Walking very fast gives you shin splints.
   
3. Taxi drivers are less aggressive when the fare is a flat fee.
   
4. Wireless hot spots make waiting at the airport much more bearable
   
5. I need a new laptop.
   
6. Jet Blue rocks.
   
7. My feet swell to twice their size on flights.
   
8. Burbank airport is nice and small, but you have to wait forever for your bags.
   
9. A McDonald’s fish filet is delicious after a cross-country flight at 11 o’clock at night.
   




10. L.A. can be freezing cold.
    
11. Despite the freezing cold, a guy will be crazy enough to go swimming in the ocean at Venice Beach.

    
    

12. The best cup of organic mocha joe in the world is at The Cow’s End.
    



13. Through a Scanner Darkly is a trippy movie to watch while you’re falling asleep from jet lag.
    
14. Texting a message at the beginning of a car ride will make you car sick for the rest of the trip.
    
15. It’s better to get the 30 GB iPod than the 8 GB Nano. They’re the same price.
    
16. It’s possible to get a bag from Tumi for under $100, if a style is being discontinued.
    
17. The car wash my brother goes to uses different-colored soaps.
    
18. The blueberry smoothie with almond milk and dates at a place called Leaf Cuisine in Culver City is amazing.
    



19. L.A. has a lot of traffic.
    
20. If there is a baby present at a family gathering, most of the attention will be focused on said baby.
    



21. A tiny baby can snore very loudly.
    
22. Through a Scanner Darkly is still a trippy movie to watch while you fall unconscious from jet lag.
    
23. The second best cup of organic mocha joe in the world is at Hugo’s.
    
24. The omelets at Hugo’s are good too.
    
25. You might be able to see a celebrity there, like D.B. Sweeney.
    
26. The eclair cream puff at Beard Papa is delicious.
    



27. There are some weirdos on Hollywood Boulevard.

    

28. Cold weather + dry air + strong sun = my fucked up skin
    
29. It’s a rip-off when a Japanese restaurant will only allow you to share your brother’s pot of green tea by charging you per cup.
    
30. Children of Men is a good movie though the ending is sort of abrupt.
    
31. A family gathering with fewer people and not in a restaurant is far more time efficient and relaxed.

    

32. The Grove is a nice though Disney-esque outdoor mall.
    
33. You might see a celebrity there, like Julia Campbell.
    
34. The crepes and coffee there are very nice.
    
35. The Fish Shack in Malibu has excellent ahi tuna burgers and mind-blowingly good fries.
    
36. Walking barefoot on the beach in cold weather is fun.

    

37. Walking barefoot on the beach in cold weather is fun till the wind blows and you’re pelted with thousands of grains of sand.
    
38. Award shows are a very big deal.
    
39. The red eye is a killer.
    
40. Even after a whole day of sitting around in your pajamas, you won’t want to go to work the next day.

I am, however, glad to be back in my own apartment and in a city where I can walk almost everywhere and not have to
ride in a car.

Thank God I have a short week.