The Not-So-Secret Diary of a Bad Luck Girl

Work has been pretty dead this week, what with my boss and his boss in Europe, luckily for me.

I have just two more weeks of classes, and tons of stuff to still do. Here’s a rundown:

Collection Development

Reading cards. 4 more to go (we’re required to do two a week). Reading two articles this weekend, and the next two before next weekend since I have plans on Saturday and class on Sunday.

Bibliographic report. My topic was “The Problem of Bias in Collection Development.” It’s not due till May 3, but I finished it earlier this week. Compared to my patient satisfaction paper, it was a breeze.

Collection Development Policy. I have just a little more to do. It’s due May 3; my plan is to start it over the weekend and finish it early next week.

Final. May 10. Shouldn’t be bad, if the midterm is any indication. I’ll study that weekend and plus we have a study group after class on May 3.

Management

Patient satisfaction paper. I got an A! I was nervous because I thought the professor might think I was totally off topic, but he actually came up to me after class and told me good job. Yay! For a split second I thought hmm, maybe a degree in public health? Then I took one look at the tuition and changed my mind.

Organization paper. We had to interview librarians about how their library is managed. I picked Columbia’s (I was going to do Cornell Medical School, but someone snagged my idea) and did the interview on Wednesday. It was fine. The librarians were very nice, but I always feel like a doork when I’m interviewing. I hate having to glance down at my sheet for the next question, and then there’s all that silence. I should learn some techniques.

The report is due on May 4. Starting it this weekend and finishing it up over the week. May need next weekend too.

Presentation. May 11. We can present on either our management issue (the patient satisfaction one for me) or the organization paper. I felt inspired after getting my paper back that I put it right in PowerPoint. It’s basically done, but the week before May 11, I’ll rehearse and probably make some changes.

Weekly reading assignments.

People-Centered Methods and Design (aka the Crazy Phenomenological Class)

Reading. One article I forgot to read for yesterday’s class, and another chapter of Closer.

Faces of Innovation Project. Due on May 7, but I’m pretending it’s due April 30. Need to finish reading the book, Faces of Innovation, and then write a report about how the different types are applicable to me, and my strengths and weaknesses. Hope to finish it this weekend.

Poe Project. Due May 7. We have to take a paragraph or two from Edgar Allen Poe’s short story, “The Man of the Crowd,” and recreate it using pictures, video, and/or sound.

There’s a description of people that reminded me of tourists so I decided to go to touristy places and shoot a few minutes of video at each place. Last weekend I went to Bryant Park and saw they had a carousel. So I filmed that for a few minutes (covertly I hope; it might look weird that I’m filming kids not my own).

Then I hit on the idea of things that turn, of people going in a circle, not really going anywhere. This afternoon I’m going to the Toys ‘R Us in Times Square, which has a ferris wheel, and the carousel in Central Park, which I’ll also ride to show that point of view. Along the way I hope to find some revolving doors.

Tomorrow I plan on going to Coney Island and get “spinning” footage there. I’ll put it all together, possibly with narration and music, if it’s not too hard, next weekend.

Corp Speak Project. Due May 7. I need to fix the survey, which we critiqued in class last week, and write up the last two sections. Since it’s all from my head, it shouldn’t be bad. More work for next weekend!

MB will be going to a conference in Prague on May 1 through the following week. As usual I’ll miss him, but it’ll give me lots of free time to do my work. The only plans I have are on May 2, dim sum with a couple of college friends I haven’t seen in a while.

I’d prefer to meet up with them after my classes are done, but one of them will be going to Japan in mid-May, and will be gone basically all summer. Besides it’ll be nice to take a break and have some social interaction, not to mention dumplings.

• Noodles eaten? Check.
• Birthday wishes received? Check.
• Generous gift from parents? Check (thanks Mom!).
• Beauty-product related present and upcoming homecooked meal from MB? Check.
• Contemplating the end of the world as we know it as I creep yet another year closer to 40 and away from 35? Double check, but not today.

This year is the first time in a long time that I’ve actually been too busy to think too much about my birthday. Every day I think, What schoolwork do I have to do? Will I have time to get a workout in? What are we having for dinner tonight? What’s on Hulu?

Last night MB asked me if I felt any different now that I’m 37. Not really. I feel different than a few years ago, and certainly than several years ago, but I don’t think age has anything to do with it.

What with learning, or trying to learn, about phenomenology in one of my classes, I’ve been thinking a lot about Buddhism. The two seem similar, and it’s easier for me to understand the concepts in Buddhist terms rather than in the terms philosophers use. For instance, phenomenology (which is a bitch to spell) talks about a pre-reflective state – a state in which you are basically simply living in the moment, and not reflecting on it, or the past moment, or the next. Philosophers say it’s basically impossible to reach this state, and if you’re lucky, you’ll get a snippet here and there. In Buddhism this seems to be enlightenment.

What the two also seem to have in common is the awareness of the body. While for Descartes, the “mind” was separate from the body, in phenomenology the body is always present and inseparable from the mind, whatever that is. So in design principles, the body also has to be taken into account, not just the mind. In Buddhist meditation, the practice seems to involve concentrating on your body and how it feels, and moving through each part of it.

Something I try to keep in mind, and which may or may not have to with Buddhism, are the ideas of illusions and perception. Sometimes I get worried – about the future, about stuff that hasn’t even happened – and in the past I’d get caught in this cycle of imagining whatever might happen again and again, and getting more and more upset, as though it had really happened.

Now when I feel myself falling into that cycle, I try to tell myself, Those are illusions, they’re not real, you made them up.

In terms of perception, again when I start to worry about stuff like having to give a presentation or some annoying task at work, I try to remind myself that what I’m worrying about is actually not so bad – only my perception makes it seem that way Like presenting – I get deathly afraid, but there’s nothing to be afraid of if I’m prepared. I’m not in danger; no bodily harm will come to me. And any psychological distress is from myself and how I think I’m coming off.

I tell myself it’s okay to feel that way. I acknowledge my nervous feeling, my heart pounding, and my stomach tightening, and take deep breaths to try to alleviate those physical reactions. If I boil down my nervous feeling to just a pounding heart and tight stomach, it seems easier to tackle, and without judgment. The heart and stomach aren’t good or bad, they just are.

Anyway, it takes lot of practice.

Something else I like to try to remember is a quote from Damages, of all things. A character basically says that in hell there is no present, there is only the past and future. This isn’t to say that that to not be in hell there can’t be a past or future, but there has to be a present too.

And presents, preferably.

Fun but busy.

Friday was completely dead at work. Almost no one was around, including my boss. Still, I got a few things done in the morning before working out, then hopped the train to New Jersey, where I’d be hanging with ES, who was in town for the holiday, and AY.

We decided to go around New Brunswick, home of ES’s alma mater and slightly closer to New York. It was cold! We shivered as we walked around campus. ES wanted to visit these junk food trucks. She got this hot dog thing. I wasn’t going to eat any junk but it looked good and she was sharing! So bad for us.

Before dinner we had drinks at this Asian-style bar and restaurant. The restaurants there are huge! I’m so used to shoeboxes in Manhattan where you’re bumping elbows with your neighbor. We had one martini each. I had a “saketini,” sake mixed with Grey Goose vodka and pear puree. It was tasty but strong. That one drink totally knocked me on my ass, and I basically drunk for a couple of hours.

For dinner we had what could be called American style tapas. The dishes were tiny and included stuff like mini-burgers, seafood “fritters,” and tiny gourmet pizza slices. Most of the food was really good, but we all agreed our favorite were these cheese bread puff things – which were free! We had about eight dishes total, plus dessert, and ES and AY also had a bit of wine, and the whole bill was still only about $60.

We were out pretty late. I caught an 11:30 train back and got home by about 1.

The next day I met ES and SB at SB’s place. It’s been months since I’ve seen SB and her daughter Ellie, who grows by leaps and bounds every time I see her. Now she seems so much older. I said, “Do you remember me?” and she looked at me like, “Dehr.” The kid is 4.

The weather was horrible that day. Cold and rain rain rain. We managed to find a place to eat near my old apartment. ES and I both had a full Irish breakfast, which was excellent for my hangover (yes for me, one drink = hangover). But I was definitely on a downward spiral in terms of eating junk.

Afterwards since the weather was so terrible, we went to the Met. Man, was it crowded! SB knew about an entrance that was slightly less crowded so that was good, but when we made our way to the main entrance to go upstairs, Ellie started to get overwhelemed by the crowds. I don’t blame her. I was barely holding it together myself. So Ellie and SB headed home.

Once ES and I got inside the museum, it wasn’t as bad. I always surprise myself by knowing how to maneuver the museum. First stop was the caf where we got some much needed coffee. Again, so crowded! But we didn’t have to circle around too much before two seats opened up.

Then somehow I was able to get us to the Greek and Roman gallery, featuring Perseus and his marble ass, always the highlight of my visit to the Met. We also checked out the fairly new Galleries for Oceanic Art, which I’ve never seen before. The coolest was this ceiling decoration that was enormous! From there we made our way to the Walker Evans postcard exhibit.

When we left it had stopped raining, thank goodness, and although still chilly, the sun had come out. We walked a bit before catching our respective buses, mine downtown and ES’s to Penn Station.

Sunday YP and I had our photo outing. This month’s theme: optical illusions. In other words, use perspective to make it look like we’re holding the top of a building, or feeding a carrot to a giant statue of a horse (yes, we had props). I realized: I’m bad at perspective. I don’t know where the person should stand to make it look right. Or sometimes I do, but only by instinct. Anyway, it was pretty fun, but cold again! And very windy. Wtf.

For the rest of Sunday, MB and I just hung out. He had a lot of practicing to do, and of course I had schoolwork. I revised my paper, which didn’t take as long as I thought it would, and did some reading. We also watched a bunch of TV, and he made dinner, a tofu stir fry with veggies. Yum!

Next weekend is just me and MB. I feel like it’s been a few weeks since we’ve had a whole weekend to ourselves.

Remember that ex-friend I wrote about? The one I had been close to since college, whom I traveled with to Amsterdam and Paris? The one who was my bridesmaid and who was there for me through all the stuff with my ex? The one who in the fall of 2005, after more than a decade of friendship, seemingly for no reason at all, just stopped talking to me?

I finally saw her.

Not on purpose, not planned. She lives in the city, as far as I know, or at least still works here. She had an apartment in Murray Hill, and whenever I was in that area, I thought I might run into her.

Well, I didn’t run into here there but two blocks from my apartment. In a restaurant MB and I go to all the time.

We were sitting there next to this large party. The waitress came to get our order, and at the same time, another member of that party arrived, an Asian woman. A guy, who appeared to be her boyfriend, got up so that she could sit, promptly getting in the way of our waitress. We gave our orders, and then I casually glanced over. . .and saw that the Asian woman was SL.

Ex-friend. Dumper. The disappearing act. Right next to us!

My heart started pounding like crazy. What do I do? Did she see me? Do I say something? MB said something to me, I don’t even know what. Oh my paper. How was my paper going? What was my paper about again? I could barely remember.

Finally, I mouthed to him, “I know that girl. She dumped me.” Then I leaned across the table and whispered the details to him. He glanced at her and chuckled at me for freaking out.

It’s not funny!

For the rest of the evening, I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I could barely even eat. I kept glancing at her, wondering if she had seen me. I wasn’t sure. At one point, I think she was covering her face with her left hand, the hand facing me, and saw a ring on her third finger. A while ago I had found an online wedding gift registry associated with her name, and for some reason thought it might be a different SL. But thinking of that, and seeing the ring, and the general appearance of the dude next to her (of course I had Googled his name too and found his Facebook profile – I need a different hobby), I put two and two together.

Then I began to think, Why not mess with her? When MB went to the bathroom, I kept staring in her direction, sort of willing her to look my way. She wouldn’t. She wouldn’t even look up from her food to talk to the people next to her.

It’s hard to say if she was avoiding my gaze. She could get kind of antisocial.

I never said anything to her, and she never said anything to me. MB and I left before they did.

I was weirded out for the rest of the night, and promptly texted ES. (“Girls,” MB said, shaking his head.) ES was appreciatively as freaked out as I was. After all she knew SL too, from the wedding and Amsterdam and visits in Boston.

I went back online and tried to find more info. Nothing new really. A while ago I had found SL’s name in a newsletter for, of all things, a Quaker soceity. I thought, SL’s a Quaker now? and dismissed it. Well, I found her name again in another newsletter, along with her presumed husband’s.

This was weird to me, not so much because of the Quaker-ness, but since SL wasn’t religious AT ALL. She grew up in a traditional Chinese household and was never Christian, though I know not all Quakers identify with being Christian.

Anyway, my head was spinning, and like I do to get a handle on things, I made a list. In the last 3 years, SL had:

• Gotten her MBA (found that online) when that fall she wasn’t even in a program yet
• Gotten married. That fall she didn’t have a boyfriend, nor was she even dating.
• Became a Quaker. Like I said, when I knew her she wasn’t even religious.

To me those seem like such huge changes in a short amount of time though I guess I’ve been on a similar trajectory having started a graduate program and met someone and moved in with him. No religious conversion though.

Hopefully now I’ve gotten my obsession out of my system. I have a vague idea of what SL is up to now, and I know what running into her is like. Maybe now I can move on from this silliness.