The Not-So-Secret Diary of a Bad Luck Girl

Tuesday night MB and I got Thai massages.

If you didn’t already know, Thai massage involves deep tissue work and yoga-like movements.  In the “What to Expect” section of the linked article, it says that it’s done on a mat on the floor (check), you’re fully clothed (check), and it’s about an hour long (check).  But nowhere does it mention the excrutiating pain.

Unlike western masseuses who use mostly their hands, in Thai massage the masseuses use just about every other body part – elbows, knees, and feet.  At times I didn’t even know what body part she was using till suddenly I felt toes wiggling through the blanket on my hand (that actually felt really good).

I didn’t know my hamstrings and IT band (those muscles along the outside of the thigh) were so tight till she started ramming her knees into them, or that my inner thigh muscles were so inflexible till she twisted my legs into a pretzel and pushed them against my chest.  I guess all that running stiffens them up.

I winced a few times but I could take it.  I could handle the lower back, even when it felt like she was squeezing my organs, but then she started on my shoulder blades.

I’ve had problems with my shoulders for years.  My right one because of mousing, and my left because that’s where I carry my bag.  Surprisingly my left side hurt a lot more.  Like a whole mother fucking lot.  Oh. My. God.  She just went at it for such a long time.  I could have asked her to lighten up, but I wanted the full benefit and thought maybe it’s almost over, and then she’d go on, and on, and on.

How bad was it?  Imagine a 110-pound woman pressing all her weight through her knee directly into those nerve endings between your spine and shoulder blade.  Not just pressing – digging digging digging.  The room was cool, but I was sweating.

Finally, I had to ask her to ease up, and then it was better though by no means a soothing-potpourri-Enya experience like at some chi chi spa.

Then came the yoga-like movements.  This involved her lifting me straight off the mat.  She did one move that was painful to my right shoulder, but afterward it felt awesome.  She lifted me into a cobra pose, and then to the left and right, which was great.  I totally heard my shoulder pop.  Then she rolled me and I ended bent backwards over her knees.  Again, very nice.  Then she punched me in the back.

Bitch.

Just kidding.  She was a very sweet woman, apologizing profusely whenever I asked her for less pressure.  But the whole time I was thinking I should take up serious yoga so that I’m in better shape for my next Thai massage.

Like I said, afterward I felt all loose and relaxed.  The next day I was sore but in a good way, like after a workout, and I had a really good run.  Six miles!  It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to do that somewhat easily.

The experience is making me consider taking a yoga class.  I do my own poses but I’m sure I don’t push myself hard enough.  Plus I’ve been doing the same ones for years.  Maybe I’ll try a yoga class at my gym.  It’ll definitely be less painful than another Thai massage.

2009 was a year of big changes for me.

First off, I graduated from library school. For my second to last semester, I decided three classes would be doable since one of them was on a Sunday. Two were fine, but the third made no sense to me for a long time. I had a handle on everything till about April, but managed to finish everything.

I capped off my MLS with a two-week e-publishing course in London, where I stayed in a shitty dorm (that was in a good location), ate good food, went to museums, walked a ton, got lost a lot, and oh yeah, went to class. While at the time I thought two weeks in London was enough forever, I’d totally go again.

I went public. First, tired of waiting to get published, I decided to be my own pimp and put my memoir online. Then I put my name to my blog. This was scary because of past experiences, but I didn’t want fear to rule my decisions anymore.

We decided to move to California. The biggest change of all. What started as an idea in June became a reality in August when MB got a job and we got an apartment.

Of course this meant challenges, like getting rid of my stuff, giving my notice, doing battle with bacon grease, and of course leaving New York. While there’d be some things I wouldn’t miss, there’d be many things I would. The restaurants of course, even my job, but most of all my friends and family.

Luckily I had lots of opportunities to hang with my buddies, including monthly photo expeditions with YP, visits from ES, a trip to Boston, and my last weekend in New York. I even ran into an ex-friend which threw me for a loop.

MB and I visited with my parents often too, like on Chinese New Year and in the summer when MB climbed on their roof. This year, as always, my mom worried a lot. I did too, but relaxed after officially moving to San Francisco, unlike Mom. At least Thanksgiving was fun, and she actually sounded happy on Christmas.

In these last few months in SF, I accomplished a lot as well. I’ve explored the city, questioned the sleaziness factor, and continued to adjust. I decided to tackle the BBC 100 books list (I’m only on the last book of the Lord of the Rings trilogy), dressed up for Halloween, and did NaNoWriMo. I tried to be more social, got a freelancing job, and started writing for The Nervous Breakdown.

As for 2010, I won’t have any resolutions or even any goals. Something else I learned this year is how to deal with expectations. It’s natural to have them – but too high and you’ll be disappointed, too low and you’ll never really enjoy a positive experience.

So should you have any expectations at all, especially about other people? You can’t control their feelings or actions. They don’t know what you’re thinking, and if they did, I know I’d feel unwanted pressure to behave a certain way, instead of simply being myself. I remember reading somewhere that all you can really ask of someone is that they’ll follow through on their word.

What’s the difference between low expectations and no expectations? With low you expect the worst to happen; with no expectations, you expect, well, nothing. It’s sort of a zen state, neither negative nor positive. It’s living completely in the present, neither thinking of the past nor trying to predict the future, like willful short term memory loss.

I find the most positive experiences result when I’m distracted by other stuff. Maybe that’s why they say the right person will come along, in terms of relationships, when you’re least expecting it. Having high or low expectations may put out a certain energy that people can unconsciously sense.

Anyway, so what does that say for this year? The only thing I expect is the day to day routine I’ve come to enjoy – writing, working out, writing more, running errands, practicing piano. I’ll continue to try to get published but focus on the actions of writing and submitting and try not to wonder too much what the result will be. I’ll apply for jobs in the same way. It’s sort of like being a machine who immensely enjoys herself.

And enjoy myself I will. Happy New Year, everyone!

Last night MB and I saw The Road.  We both really liked it.  The pacing was slow – which was fitting for the plot – but gripping.  I was constantly tense and wondering what was going to happen next.

Even when I left to use the ladies’ room, I was on edge: I saw in the mirror the door of the stall I just was in swing shut and thought, What was that?  And jumped into defense position.  Haha, not.  I don’t even know what “defense position” is.

A few other thoughts:

The movie was a realistic portrayal of people in a post-apocalyptic world. How would I know, right?  But unlike other end of world movies, the people in this one aren’t necessarily bad ass.  They don’t automatically know how to use weapons or fight.  They’re not suspiciously well-groomed.  After years of no moisturizer, SPF, or toothpaste, your skin and teeth are going to be fucked up, and fucked up they were.

I don’t know if I’d survive. I kept thinking about this throughout the whole movie.  Would I make it?  What would I do?  I’m hungry right now because I haven’t had dinner – what if it was days and days since I last ate?  How could I sleep?

MB might have a better chance of surviving.  He knows martial arts, was in the military, and has lived in some harsh conditions.  I thought if we were together in such a world, I’d have him train me every day.  There’s no way I’d venture into a dark basement or tunnel completely defenseless.

The overabundance of our world is so strange in comparison. After the movie, we went to Whole Foods to pick up food for dinner.  I know I was just in a movie for a couple of hours, not in war-torn Afghanistan, but I was still conscious of how much beautiful food there was.

I’d like to think I’d surprise myself with my bravery, that I’d be a good scavenger who wouldn’t resort to cannibalism and cruelty.  But I guess that’s what makes the movie both good and disturbing.  Those people probably thought the same thing.

MB and I had a lovely Christmas.

Christmas Eve MB made a yummy pasta dinner with a spicy puttanesca sauce and spicy Italian sausage.  Afterward we just bummed around.  Watched a few episodes of the Ghosthunters marathon, as well as The Empire Strikes Back and part of Return of the Jedi.  Too much TV! MB crashed around one, but I had had Vietnamese coffee in the afternoon so I was up till almost three.

In the morning, we called my parents.  My mom liked the Snuggie though it’s a bit big for her, and sounded happy and not worried for once.  My dad thanked us once again for the wine, then kept MB on the phone for quite a while, just chatting, which makes me laugh because he’s not usually a big talker.

I was also delighted to find out that my father is reading my copy of The Secret History.  I was surprised since he doesn’t usually read contemporary literature.  Such a good book!  He said at first it was boring, but now he’s very interested in unraveling the mystery.

In the afternoon MB and I saw Sherlock Holmes at the Sundance Kabuki theater.  It was packed!  I guess the movies is the place to be on Christmas Day.  The movie was fun but not amazing, not like Avatar.  Robert Downey, Jr. and Jude Law were great, as were the sets, but I didn’t find the storyline too exciting.

My popcorn was delicious though.  Splurge!

For dinner MB cooked up a couple of cornish game hens.  They were smoked but he also bisected them and fried them in peanut oil.  As well there was wild rice and shitaake mushroom stuffing and a lovely arugula and tomato salad.

Everything was yummy.  Those little hens have a lot of meat on them.  I was only able to eat half of one.

Later in the evening, we wanted some dessert.  We expected to find nothing open, but quite a few restaurants were, surprisingly.  We stopped at the Vietnamese place near us – where we get our evil and delicious cafe filtre – and MB got fried banana a la mode.  By then I decided to be healthy and just had some yogurt instead.

Today most places are open again.  I worked out – yay! – then we had lunch at Mel’s, this kind of cheesy, ’50s style diner on Van Ness.  The food was decent though.  I had pancakes, a fried egg, AND bacon – oink!  Now we’re back at one of our favorite cafes, Wicked Grounds.

I applied for a job this morning.  This art school is looking for a marketing writer.  The idea of doing marketing again isn’t ideal, but it’s writing copy as opposed to developing bullshit strategy.  I’m also going to apply for a temporary librarian job at SFPL.  That may be a better fit for me: it’s no more than twenty hours of week, and I’d be filling in at whatever branch needs a substitute.

Today I need to:

Revise Corporate Celebrations article – For my freelancing gig.  After several years of scheduling a variety of celebrations at my old company, I have plenty of material.

Revise “The Beautiful Girls” – For The Nervous Breakdown.  It’s about my junior high/early high school years, and the friends I had then.

Revise/submit “Buzzed: My Love Affair with Coffee in Nine Parts” – For another publication.

Getting to work!

Since this will be the first Christmas I’ll be spending away from home since I was in China, I thought it’d be fun to write about the most memorable gifts I got as a kid (and by “most memorable” I mean ones that I actually remember):

Rip-off Barbie – I was about five and wanted a Barbie doll in the worst way. My mother opted for the Christian version.  Instead of a sexy evening gown and long blonde hair, the doll wore a gingham dress with lace and a high collar, and had her hair in a bun.  My mother isn’t religious at all, but she likes a bargain, and I’m sure that doll was on the sale shelf.  I still loved it though.

An embroidery kit – I don’t know why I liked this gift so much. I remember I had no idea what it was, and every day till Christmas, would tear off little pieces of the wrapping paper, trying to guess. You’d think I’d be disappointed – an embroidery kit, after all – but I loved arts and crafts like that.

Koala bear – Does anyone else remember these little stuffed bears that would clasp to things? I don’t know if they have a particular name, and I can’t find any information on them on the internet. All I know is that they were big in the ’80s, and I was really excited to find one in my stocking.

(On a side note, I remember shortly before Christmas, our school had a fair where you could buy junk, like the clingy koala bears. My mother gave me permission to buy two, one for myself and one for my brother. That day they were sold out. Instead of bringing the money home, I bought myself a jewelery box instead. My brother was so disappointed, he started to cry on the bus (he was little, only six or seven), and my mother was PISSED. I still feel bad about it now.

Though I did use that jewelry box for a long time. It was pink and white, and had drawers. I loved it.)

Ballerina jewelry box – Different jewelry box. I wrote to Santa that I wanted one with a wind up ballerina. I got it, but knew it wasn’t from him. The wrapping paper, which was the same as the other gifts, and my aunt’s handwriting on the note – “From Santa” – were dead giveaways.

Perfume – Another stocking stuffer and probably a free gift my mom got with her $15 Clinique purchase, but I was still excited to have something so grown-up. The smell was like lilacs, and to this day when I smell something similar, I feel like I’m that kid again on Christmas day.

’80s bracelets – So the fashion.  I loved my black plastic and gold spangly bracelets, and wore them all the time. The plastic ones also had this cool trick where you would twist them into pretzel, and moments later it would spring open, flying a couple of feet.

Denim vest – This was probably the last Christmas gift that I got really excited about. In junior high, clothes were starting to be really important, but my mother – still frugal – didn’t like to buy me designer stuff too much. So when I got the denim vest with red checkered interior, I was over the moon. I think my mom still wears it now.

Happy holidays, everyone!

I’m being a lazy bum this afternoon.  The TV’s on (Steel Magnolias), the heater’s whirring, and I’ve got almonds and cranberry juice (trying to relatively healthy).

I should be finishing up the article that’s due tomorrow.  Rosemary Oil to Get Rid of Acne.  Exciting.  Apparently rosemary has a lot of good qualities – antioxidants, anti-inflammatory, anti-microbial.  And using an oil cleanse on oily skin is supposed to be better than soap.

This is the second acne article I’ve done.  Will look for something different for next week.

I feel like I’ve been neglecting my blog so I thought I’d do at least a brain dump.  This weekend MB and I saw Avatar in 3D.  I kept hearing it was supposed to be a bomb, but it was really good.  I mean, I know it was cheesy and the story was predictable, and the Na’vi are basically Native Americans, but I still got totally sucked in, the way I got sucked into Titanic.  I cried at both.

Plus the special effects were really amazing.  The Na’vi had so much expression, I’d forget they weren’t real.

We saw the movie at the Sundance Kabuki Theater in Japantown.  Love that theater!  It’s one where you reserve seats beforehand, which costs a couple of extra bucks, but then you have the cheaper, matinee option, which doesn’t exist in New York anymore.  Also I noticed people don’t talk during the movies here on the west coast.  Back east, I had grown to hate going because the audience ALWAYS chatters.  Some even answered their cell phones.

Saturday I didn’t spend much time in the house, for a change.  Went to the gym in the morning (since I didn’t go Friday), lunch out, movies in the afternoon, then a cafe.  Sunday MB and I hung out at Wicked Grounds for a while.  We like it, but there’s one Asian woman who works there who has the LOUDEST laugh.  It sort of reverberates throughout the whole place.

Yesterday was just a regular day of morning writing at home, gym, lunch at home, then writing at Bittersweet.  Today I wrote in the morning, hit the gym, then met MB for lunch.  With the holidays, his office is pretty dead.  We went out to the Mission and had really good barbecue at Baby Blues BBQ.  Pulled pork, creamed spinach, and baked beans – yum!  I have leftovers, which I’m tempted to dig into now.  We walked all the way back, hence my currently lazy butt.

On my way home, I needed the bathroom so I popped into the Marriott on Post Street.  That’s a pretty nice hotel.  In the lobby there are all these tables and chairs.  Seems like a nice place for drinks.

I’ve been toying with the idea of getting a job.  I like the way I spend my days, but I’d like to have some cash coming in.  The freelancing pays just $7.50 to $15 an article, which basically pays for my gym membership.  I’d prefer to have a job related to writing – or more freelance work – but it might be easier to get some low level job at a library.  I’ll do some detective work.

I’m not sure I could work in an office again.  Temping occurred to me – I could do it for a finite amount of time, but the idea of being in an office environment is so – bleh.

When I was married, I’d kill myself shopping for the perfect Christmas gifts for my in-laws.  I got real satisfaction out of seeing my mother-in-law regularly wear the comfortable clothes I got her (while my sister-in-law’s fancy angora sweaters sat untouched in a drawer).  Once I surprised my father-in-law with a very nice box for his pen collection.

I didn’t scrimp on my parents either.  For my father nice paints and brushes, and once a fancy wine bottle opener and reusable “cork,” which he still uses now.  For my mother I once got her a “coffee of the month” gift package (every month for a year, she received a pound of coffee with some snacks); another time a very nice watch from Tourneau; and Waterford crystal figurines, which she collected.

I guess I did spend some bucks around Christmastime, but a lot of it was paid for with these bonus cards through my company.  It was really quite convenient.  And I can’t say I was 100% altruistic in my gift giving.  I wanted to impress people, not necessarily by spending a lot of dough but by getting someone the perfect something that they didn’t even know they wanted.

While my in-laws and parents appreciated my gifts, my ex didn’t.  Despite my track record, he always assumed I’d get the wrong thing.  Once while I was looking for something for his mom, I called him to check on her size, and he said, “No cheap stuff for my mom.”  When had I ever gotten her “cheap stuff”?  When I gave my mother the watch, which I had picked out, he said, “We can return it if you don’t like it.”  Wtf?  She loved it and wore it every day for years till recently when she lost it, to her great sadness.

Now I send gifts to my parents and that’s it.  Wine or books always please my father.   My mother is a bit harder to shop for.  Unlike my dad, she doesn’t have too many hobbies, aside from snuggling on the couch watching Korean soap operas.  So what better than a Snuggie?  Besides, our house is always freezing in the wintertime.  I also got her some San Francisco “treats” – a box of Ghiradelli chocolates and coffee from the San Francisco Coffee Roasting Company – and a Macy’s gift card.

While the wine was easy to send since I ordered it online, sending my mom’s present was a pain in the neck.  It’s my own fault for waiting so long.  First I went to the post office, but there was a line out the door, and two people working.  Two!  At the P.O. near Grand Central in New York, they always had several people working, and another person going up and down the line, seeing if people needed supplies or could use the self-serve postal machine.  While this post office near me now is much smaller, it’s the holidays.  You need more than two people working on the Friday before Christmas at lunchtime.

After five minutes of the line not moving, I gave up and went to Office Depot.  You can get shipping supplies and ship via UPS right there.  Sounds easier than it was.  The girl’s computer was incredibly slow.  Each action took about five minutes.  Plus she kept “updating” me – “It’s logging in now, it’s still logging in, it’s logging in” – yes, I got it the first five times you told me.  The whole transaction took thirty minutes, when normally it should take five.

Then after all that, I decided not to do it.  It was incredibly expensive to ship.  For the Wednesday before Christmas, it was over $50!  “And it’s no guarantee,” the girl said.  Whaaaa?  Then why put a date there at all?  She said it’d be a guarantee if delivered on Sunday or Monday, which would cost over a $100.  That’s just insane!

So I canceled my order and went to FedEx.  I figured if I was going to pay that much, at least I’d want to know for sure that it was going to be delivered.  For Wednesday GUARANTEED delivery FedEx was $37.  Still a pretty price to pay, but not bad for right before Christmas and compared to UPS.  Of course if I had been more organized, I could have sent it via postal service for much cheaper, but oh well.

All that trouble for one gift.  I can’t imagine having a bunch to send.  Next year I’m doing everything online.

Inspired by this very funny post.

While there are a few things I miss about my job – the routine, the benefits, the gym, the computer/printer/copier equipment I could use to my heart’s desire – there are even more that I don’t. The stress, dealing with annoying people, and worrying that any moment I’d be discovered for the fraud I was – underqualified, overpaid, and spending most of the day surfing the internet. What I don’t miss most are meetings.

Merriam-Webster defines a meeting as “an act or process of coming together.” But it’s so much more than that.

The one-on-one. May be the most dreaded form, depending on your boss. With an efficient manager, a one-on-one can be productive. You have a list of questions, you ask them, your boss helps you. Your boss in turn tells you what he or she thinks you need to know. With a bad boss, one-on-ones can be the opposite of productive. They can make you want to kill yourself.

For example, instead of answering your questions, he asks more questions that may or may not be related to the task at hand, and in the end not only do you not have any answers, you have more work, which is even more difficult to complete because now in addition to your original questions, you have several more, which you now don’t want to bring to your boss, because this will only spawn more questions for him.

In addition, those thirty to sixty minutes give him the opportunity to make up some other shit for you to do, about which you’ll no doubt have more questions, that will never ever be answered.

The team meeting. Perhaps the most common type. A once a week gathering in which team members are expected to give updates on their projects, whether or not they are of any interest or consequence to other team members.

If you don’t have an update, aside from “I ordered some more brochures for the warehouse” or “I made some changes to the website,” you can a) recite these in an important voice and replace common words with corp speak, the native tongue of meeting goers. For example, “I empowered the supply of value-added learning aids,” or “I enhanced the usability of the internet interface tool to achieve real-life results.” Or b) pray that you go last, then pretend to have another meeting and leave ten minutes early.

The kick-off. Your project is a very big deal, or you’re not sure it’s a big deal but you’re spending a lot of money on it, so to show what a big deal it is, you schedule the kick-off meeting. In the kick-off meeting, you may have as many as a dozen people, from as many different departments. The more the better. A successful kick-off is when at least one person thinks, Why am I here?

In the kick-off meeting, you talk about presentation, usually with a fancy PowerPoint. You hand out thick binders with said PowerPoint in tab format. You give them lunch. Afterward, you get “feedback” from everyone, then pretty much ignore what everyone says and do what you were planning on doing anyway.

The follow-up. Because no decisions will be made in the kick-off meeting, a follow-up meeting will be necessary. The attendees will be only 10% of the original roster, but it will last just as long. Decisions may or may not be made in the follow-up meeting. If not, a follow-up to the follow-up meeting will be scheduled.

The prep meeting. The prep or preparation meeting is held to get ready for another meeting. Like the follow-up meeting, the percentage of attendees is about 10% of the original invitees. Sometimes a prep meeting, with an even smaller number of participants, is scheduled to prepare for the bigger prep meeting – a meeting about a meeting about a meeting. Theoretically, prep meetings can be scheduled ad infinitum.

The debrief. Once you actually (ever) have the meeting, a debrief may be scheduled. The participants for the debrief are a smaller percentage from the original meeting. The goal is, “Now that those other people are out of the room, let’s talk about how we really feel.”

Of course “how we really feel” is a misnomer and refers to “how we really feel if it’s in agreement with our boss.” True grievances are aired in informal, spontaneous encounters called bitch sessions.

Back to backs. Not a meeting in and of itself, but a series of meetings that occur one after the other, with no break. Usage: “I have back to back meetings all day.” Sigh. Used as a form of boasting disguised as weariness.

There’s also the face-to-face. You’d assume most meetings are thus, but in a world of technology – and people pretending to work from home – the phrase is used to distinguish meetings that are not conference calls.

The evil meeting. Any gathering taking place at nine AM, noon, or five PM. One that occurs before nine or after five is known as the Spawn of Satan.

The meeting participants are as varied as the gatherings. There’s the late arriver who, as the name suggests, always arrives ten to twenty minutes late. Usually someone from marketing. The early leaver departs ten to twenty minutes early with the air of, “I have more important things to do than this,” such as another meeting.

The Blackberrier looks at his Blackberry the whole time, and also has the habit of leaving his device on vibrate on the conference room table, which makes as much, if not more, noise than if it rang. The chit chatter wastes the first twenty minutes of the meeting making small talks and jokes because more important than the meeting is that she is liked.

The devil’s advocate – opening his long-winded speech with, “Just to play devil’s advocate here” – says the opposite of whatever rare decision has been made with the purpose of “contributing” and showing how smart he is, sometimes deflating the decision entirely and causing the need for a follow-up meeting. Also known as “asshole.”

The talker talks constantly to his or her neighbor, probably making snide remarks and jokes, and finally the daydreamer (ie, yours truly) spends the whole meeting imagining what they’re going to have for dinner.

The reasons behind meetings, aside from the supposed subject, are as varied as meeting types. To “touch base,” or, “Is there anything I should know that you didn’t tell me and will come to bite me in the ass later?” To keep people “in the loop,” or, “Now I can say you were in that meeting so when you bitch later that you didn’t know, I can call you a big fat liar.” To “get buy-in,” or, “I will get you all to say they agree with me so later when someone says it was a bad idea, I can put some of the blame on you.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a one-on-one with a chai latte that may require a follow-up with some bunt cake.