12
Sep 11

Of dreams, insomnia, and demons

During the two and a half hours of sleep I got last night, I had two weird dreams, or one long disconnected dream.

1) I’m somewhere minding my own business when Shaquille O’Neal comes out of nowhere. Not only that, he has his dick out and is waving it around and trying to get close to me. We’re on stairs, and I keep backing away, telling him I don’t want him near me, but he won’t listen. Finally, I call out for MB – “MB! Help me, help me!” – and he runs out and with his kung fu skills (which he has in real life) brings Shaq down, during which I think, Hot.

Because MB has rendered Shaquille O’Neal unconscious, the police and paparazzi are after us. We run down the stairs and hide in some room, trying to blend with the crowd. They find us, and we run off again, and again.

2) Suddenly MB is gone, and I’m hanging out with this group of people who call themselves goth tricksters. I’m surprised to find a childhood friend there, a friend who’d be the very last person to have anything to do with something goth or trickstery. I keep telling her and the group this, and they’re all very insulted. My friend is and has been a treasured member of their group – how dare I think she doesn’t belong?

Finally, I tell her, “Okay, the person I know is you and this person who’s part of this goth trickster group don’t seem like the same person, but your essence is the same.” She and the group like this. She crosses the room and gives me a hug.


I’m not sure why I couldn’t sleep last night. I slept till nine on Sunday morning, but that’s not that late. I mean, I couldn’t sleep till five AM! I didn’t have any caffeine late in the day, but I did have some 7-Up at dinner. Was that really the culprit? Half a can of 7-Up? It’s true I rarely have soda now, so maybe all that sugar, in combination of a sleeping late in the morning, did do a number on me.

And then I couldn’t sleep past 7:30 this morning, although I was exhausted. Just an excuse to drink gallons of coffee.


Tomorrow we fly out to New York!


I’ve been prepping a book of essays for a contest that I thought was due September 15, but actually starts on that day and is due in mid-November. So now I can take my time revising a few of the pieces. Two only need medium revisions (I think) but one sucks. It’s about when I was nine and thought I was possessed after seeing The Exoricst and then getting the flu right after and being doused with too much cough medicine. I originally wrote it in combo with my paternal grandmother’s death, but reading it again, realized it was a forced combination, and that there was too much summing up in the end.

I’ve decided to go another way and focus on the pseudo-possession and the idea of demonic possession in general, which means reading articles about it. A couple are pretty good, not just linking mental illness and possession, but breaking down the dynamics of using possession as a reason for uncharacteristic behavior, but one is, how should I put it, stupid.

The author basically says psychiatrists and psychologists shouldn’t discount demonic possession because it’s, um, real. Her “evidence”? Eyewitness accounts of exorcisms. Yeah, heads up: just because someone says they saw something doesn’t mean it’s real. Her other reasoning: how can we say that demons don’t exist if exorcisms seem to work? *Sigh.*


15
Mar 11

Fuck you daylight savings time

This week “spring forward” fucked me up more than usual.

My sleep’s been off anyway because a) I was hormonal which for some reason gives me insomnia, b) MB has been away for a few days at another conference so I probably haven’t been active enough and spending too much time at home, and c) Sunday night I always have a bit of trouble sleeping anyway because my sleep patterns have gone off for the weekend.

Then fucking spring forward.

Sunday night I found myself still awake at one AM. But at least I expected it.  I had a carby snack and some hot milk with honey to relax me.  I worked a bit on my memoir.  When I finally went to bed, I surprisingly had no problem drifting off.  But the morning was a fucking bitch, let me tell you.

I guess if I were back east, I’d be used to waking up in the dark all winter.  But I think it gets light here earlier so I haven’t been.

Today I couldn’t bear getting up seven when the sun was barely up, and slept in till 8:30.  Luckily I’m working from home today.

The only good thing about DST is that yesterday afternoon flew by.  Before I knew it, it was after five.

* * *

I want to be a super-independent woman, but basically I’m a bit of a mess when MB is away for more than a weekend.  I don’t leave the house as often.  I’m alone a lot.  Some nights I have trouble sleeping (not last night though, finally).  I also start to worry.

Without MB distracting me, my head starts to spin into an endless vortex of made-up anxieties.  I started thinking what if we’re next for an earthquake?  Why did I move to a state where earthquakes are a possibility?!?

Then I started to worry about my dad.  Right now I’m reading The Shell Seekers by Rosamunde Pilcher.  It’s very good, but there are characters my age with a mother who just had a heart attack.  And the mother character is younger than my father.  So I started to worry about my dad, and thinking I just couldn’t bear it if anything happened to him (knock wood).

Of course I feel the same way about my mom, but my mom still seems vibrant, seems, basically, the same as always, while my father seems to have aged suddenly in the last several years.

My grandmother lived to be 94.  I really hope my dad lives as long.


13
May 09

I hear the secrets that you keep

Time: About midnight
Place: Bed

MB (asleep): I dreamed my alter ego believed in bubbles.
Me (half-asleep, thinks, Oh, he’s talking in his sleep again, then, Wait, that kind of made sense): Are you awake?
MB (still asleep): Yes.
Me: . . .
MB (not awake): I just felt the need to explain that to you.

He remembers none of this, btw. At one point there was also laughing, followed by, “That’s awesome!”

Either last night was a talkative night, or I’m usually asleep and don’t hear it. No more caffeine after 1 for me.


17
Feb 09

So sleepy

Waking up after even 7 hours of sleep is tough after getting 10-12 hours a sleep a night for three nights. Hopefully this green tea and chocolate will help.

It was a low-key weekend. We don’t make a big deal of Valentine’s Day – MB cooked, which he probably would have done anyway. Trout and broccolini, our new favorite vegetable. Aside from running errands during the day, we were both caught up with schoolwork for most of the weekend. And I still had class Sunday and Monday as well. I keep thinking I have class tonight, but I don’t! Yay! Maybe it’s time to hit Sephora and restock on beauty supplies.

Two celebrity sightings: Blythe Danner, off of 8th Street, and the dude from Fringe. Actually, I didn’t see the Fringe guy, only MB did, and he didn’t see Blythe Danner, not that he’d recognize her. So one and a half celeb sightings.


28
Apr 08

Very sleepy

For some reason I couldn’t sleep last night. MB and I were out late – we saw Harold and Kuamr Escape from Guantamono Bay, very entertaining – and didn’t get back till almost 2. Then I just lay there till almost 5. I think it was all the Hi-C I drank at the movie theatre. All that sugar.

Aside from the movie, I spent most of the weekend working on my term paper and accompanying presentation. Friday I typed up my research notes and ideas. Saturday I was at my parents’ house. We spent the afternoon shopping – got some new shoes – but that night I wrote the majority of my paper, finishing it up Sunday morning before heading back to New York.

Sunday afternoon I created the presentation, and today I polished off the paper and rehearsed my presentation once. Should be okay. Presenting to my classmates is very different than presenting to 500 sales people.


06
Sep 07

Had one of those sleepless nights

Don’t know why. Was it the Diet Coke at lunchtime? Or the chocolate chip cookie in the afternoon? It’s hard to believe either would have such an effect on me. Anyway, I couldn’t fall asleep till after midnight, then was awake at 4:30. At least I got up early enough to hit the gym.

I have a dentist appointment later this morning. Fun fun. But it’s a good thing cuz I noticed last night that I’ve actually worn through my mouth guard. Not the whole thing, just tiny parts of it but still. Imagine if I wasn’t wearing that thing. It lasted more than 2 years, which I guess isn’t bad. Another wad of cash to spend.

A bunch of people are being moved tomorrow so we’re all required to work from home. Or “work” from home, I should say. I do have a call at 9, but that’s it. Guess I should bring my Blackberry home.

Getting my haircut finally on Saturday, and then doing the Race for the Cure on Sunday. Just 5K but should be fun.


02
Aug 07

The blogging blahs

I’ve been kinda busy, but I don’t feel there’s much to write about.

Monday night I couldn’t sleep for some reason. Got into bed at 10:30 but then was wide awake. After about 45 minutes, I said screw it, got up, and watched the new episode of Anthony Bourdain’s show. Shanghai, China. Of course it made me really hungry. By the time I fell asleep it was 1. :(

Tuesday night I saw Hairspray with YP. It was very entertaining. At first I thought it was such a dumb idea – a movie based on a musical based on a movie. Yeah, yeah, The Producers was done that way too, but that doesn’t make it a good idea. But I thoroughly enjoyed the new Hairspray.

It was funny cuz when I got home, the original version was on TV. It was interesting to see how much darker, sexier, and more tasteless it is in comparison.

Wednesday morning I had my *fifth* interview for the position I started interviewing for last week. It was with the coworker I disliked, but she was perfectly pleasant during our talk. We spent more time gossiping about old colleagues than actually interviewing. I should find out tomorrow.

That afternoon I finally worked out. I hadn’t since Sunday. Afterwards I was exhausted and starving, and so ended up picking up a burger and onion rings. Bad bad. Also finally got my laundry and dry cleaning, which have been languishing for weeks.

My dry cleaner, who is Chinese, will be going to Hong Kong for about 10 days. Her father died recently. I said I was sorry, and suddenly she was talking about it like crazy, how she almost didn’t see him before he died, how she was at his bedside when he passed, how his heart stopped, then started beating again for 10 minutes, enough time for all his children and grandchildren to gather.

I felt bad for her, but at the same time, my laundry stuff was really heavy, my burger was getting cold, and I had to pee in the worst way. But obviously she felt like talking.

Got another workout in just a little while ago. Tonight YP and I will be going to an En Vogue concert, the original line-up I believe. Tomorrow I have off. Woohoo! ES will be in town.

I’m so tired of this weather. The worst is getting ready in the morning. By the time I get dressed, I’m sweating bullets. Waiting in the subway station is especially bad. Can’t wait for chilly fall.

I guess I did have stuff to write about after all.


21
Jun 07

Nothing much to report

Except that I’m oh so very tired.

Monday night I took the red eye back to New York. Unlike the first leg of my trip, this one left early and got in early. Unfortunately, the bags took for-EV-er to arrive. I was at baggage claim at 6:15 AM, but didn’t get to leave till 7.

At home I crashed till about 12:30. That, in combination with my having become accustomed to Pacific time, meant I didn’t go to sleep that night till after 1. Then up at 7.

Not bad, but while last night I drifted off at 10:30, I woke up at 4, started thinking about work, then couldn’t sleep anymore. At least I got a lot of personal stuff done at home before I left – polishing my resume, working on a short story – as well as actual work stuff this morning.

I’ve been craving salty foods and have been totally going overboard. Between all the miso soup, crunchy Asian snacks, and sausage this morning, my mouth is a pickle.

I applied for a few positions here at my company. Wait and see. Also yesterday an agency person approached me about applying for a job. That’s appealing because we’ve done so much work with that agency, and I really like the person who approached me. But it’s in New Jersey so the commute might be a pain. Then again, a lot of their clients are in New York.

I’m back and forth about what I want to do. While I do think another corporate job wouldn’t be that different from my current one, at least the people would be different. That’s the real kicker.

For the long-term I’m exploring a variety of options. The freelance writing/travel thing, the library science thing (why, I’m not even sure). In August a school here is having an open house about their program so I can see if it’s even something I want to do.

Next week I’m meeting up with the daughter of my parents’ friends. I believe she’s a freelance journalist. She *was* an attorney, but then she got divorced, said screw it all, and pursued her real dream.

Her parents aren’t happy but who cares. It’s not like they’re supporting her financially. They’re just worried since freelancing is less “stable” than a corporate job. But what’s the worst that could happen? It’s not like she has kids to feed. And she could probably find another corporate job if need be.

I’m really looking forward to speaking with her. Makes me feel like I’m actually doing something about my writing, beyond just, well, writing.

I’ve been so occupied these past couple of weeks, I’ve hardly thought about H. He’s reactivated his online ad. I went in to find email messages from DK (fodder for an essay) and noticed. I was surprised that it didn’t bother me. I mean, why should it? I went on a dating site too (for a split second anyway).

Poor guy. He won’t find anyone else as cool as me. ;)


21
Mar 07

Tired today

Had one of those mornings when I woke up at 5 and couldn’t sleep anymore. And I went to bed kinda late too, after 11.

Tried catching up on Heroes online last night. In the middle of the latest episode, the website froze for some reason. So annoying.

Had dinner with H. on Monday. We ate at this place I like in Chinatown. Pork and crab xiao long bao, shredded pork in garlic sauce, and baby bok choy with mushrooms. Yum!

My favorite dish at that restaurant is the lion’s head. I guess you could say it’s the red variety which they serve with bok choy. I wasn’t sure if H. would like it so I refrained from ordering it, but afterwards when I described it to him, he said it sounded good. They also almost always have chou dofu, which I have yet to be brave enough to try.

For some reason I’m in the mood for shopping. Maybe cuz spring is in the air though there’s still some snow on the ground. I may hit some stores after work. I’d really like some nice high heeled brown leather boots, which you’d think would be easy to find but so far are not. Either they reach practically up the thigh, or they have 5 inch stiletto heels, or they’re too chunky. Will have to continue my search.


30
Dec 06

I hate my upstairs neighbor

I know I’m a total old lady for wanting to go to sleep at 10:30 on a Saturday, but I was up at 7:30, ran 5 miles, had lunch with SB and played with Ellie for two hours, walked 25 blocks to my facial, made the mistake of trying to battle through holiday crowds down 5th Avenue to get to Koreatown, started to walk home, tried to take the subway at 59th Street only to find out the trains were screwy, and walked the 18 blocks home.

So I’m tired and don’t appreciate John Cougar Mellencamp – yes, that’s right, John frigging Cougar Mellancamp (yes, I thought the ’80s were over too) – being blasted, followed by much pacing back and forth in what can only be cement-filled shoes. Of course it’s quiet now that I’m thoroughly awake.

Well, the good thing is I did indeed have a lovely day. The 5 miles this morning came surprisingly easily, especially considering I ran 4 miles yesterday. I could have done 6 today but my achilles tendon felt sore.

I came home to find a voicemail from SB. I thought she, her hubby, and Ellie had gone to DC for the week, but unfortunately she and her husband caught some stomach flu over Christmas. I went over to her place for lunch. (They’re better now, by the way.)

Ellie was her usual hilarious self. Her new thing is pointing at me and saying, “Who dis?” when she knows perfectly well who I am, but gets bent out of shape when I say, “I’m Ellie.”

“No!” she cries. “I Ellie!”

If you’re gonna dish it out, kid, you gotta take it.

I told SB how I’ve decided a very long break from dating. She seemed surprised, which surprised me since everyone else I’ve told has been supportive. I know she thinks I want to have a kid and that I’d better hurry it up and meet someone quick. No thanks.

Although individuals in passing have appealed to me, I have no desire to actively seek dates right now. The idea of on-line or speed dating gives me a headache. I guess I still want to have kids someday, but, and this may sound silly, but I want it to happen serendipitiously. If I happen to meet the right someone, or if the right circumstances come about, or if the universe knocks me unconscious with a sign.

Maybe it’s passive, and I suppose if I really, really wanted a baby, I’d be more active about it, but I’m not interested in having that as my mission at this time.

Anyway, around 3 Ellie needed to go down for her nap so I took that opportunity to head to midtown for my facial, a special treat for myself. I enjoyed it but I didn’t appreciate the woman telling me my face looked like I never exfoliated it when I use that damned exfoliating mask at least twice a week, and then telling me I had oily skin when just a few a weeks ago my forehead was flaking off. I’m surprised she couldn’t tell that some parts are oily and some very dry. It’s hard to trust any of these people. The best facial I had was at Oasis Spa. I may have to go back next time.

If you’re ever in New York around the holidays, definitely STAY AWAY FROM 5TH AVENUE. Good God! There were an unbelievable number of people. The corners are especially bad, where folks just mill about like cattle.

The police have already started blockading the sidewalks in preparation for New Year’s Eve. A couple of us slipped through and took to walking in the middle of the street to avoid the crowd. A female police officer told one man rather calmly that he couldn’t. Then she saw me and barked, “Get in there!” indicating the barricade. Just what I need. To get into an argument with a cop. Things were calmer the moment I got away from 5th Avenue.

Tomorrow I planned on taking the bus from Port Authority up to Woodbury Commons to do some shopping, but now I’m thinking coming back to the Times Square area in the late afternoon/early evening on New Year’s Eve is probably not such a good idea. Instead I think I’ll stay in my area and hit a bunch of museums.

Another problem with being up late: I’m hungry all over again.