Solitude standing

Saw YP Thursday night. One of our other coworkers was celebrating having paid off her student loans and so we met up with her and her friends for drinks. We stayed for less than an hour – I nursed a sake to death – then grabbed some eats. It was great to catch up and reconnect. In a way, it was better than at work, more relaxed and open.

I’ve come to realize though while I love my alone time, it needs to be balanced with enough social activity. Having the right amount of each makes me appreciate both even more.

I love the article that Zerodoll posted about last week. One bit that especially stuck with me was about solitude and God. I find those times I enjoy, usually very early in the morning when the world is still, hard to explain. Peaceful is an easy way to describe them but it’s more than that. It’s feeling full but not full of static like memories and worries and outside noise.

Just in that moment, whether it’s a moment or an hour or a whole night (like New Year’s Eve), feeling that the inside me and the world outside are perfectly calm and balanced, but at the same time I’m buzzing with some sort of energy, and after reading that section in that article, for the first time I understood what people mean when they say they feel a connection with God.

I’m not saying I’m all religious now or something, and I mean “God” like however you want to call it, Buddha or Allah or Jesus. And I don’t mean an ALL-POWERFUL BEING either. I mean something bigger than me, bigger than the puny world outside my window, but at the same time not overpowering or scary. Something that fits in the air around my skin.

It’s sort of odd how I’ve come to accept things. I feel relieved to know now that this is who I am and I don’t have to change. This doesn’t mean I won’t always try to be better, to keep learning and trying new things. I’m just saying that for many years I was pressured into trying to be someone I wasn’t, living a life I was supposed to want but didn’t.

Of course it was my choice to go down that path, and it wasn’t like it was the wrong one. I wouldn’t know everything I know now if I hadn’t gone that way.

I’ve realized that I may always be single and may never have kids, and weirdly, at least as of now, as of the past few months, I’ve been okay with that. This doesn’t mean I’m closed to anything if it should happen, but I’m okay with being on my own and relieved not to have to struggle to meet whatever expectations, mine or a significant other’s or society’s.

This doesn’t mean I won’t run up against people who’ll think this is weird, to want to be, for lack of a better term, a spinster, but you know what I say. FUCK THEM.

I’m in a unique situation. I’ve been married. I’ve tried all that. I’ve been hurt, devastated, etc., etc., and in that way, weirdly, I’m lucky because those assholes who have the audacity to judge will judge only for a millisecond before backing the fuck off. It’s like I have a force field of misery to protect me. Little do they know the misery is only their perception.


  1. Maybe it was the caps, but FUCK THEM came through loud and clear and I agree with you. Fuck them.

  2. the all-caps helps. :)