Anna May Won’t’s Las Vegas Index

(It’s long but it’ll go fast. I promise.)

Number of hours it should theoretically take to drive from Los Angeles to Las Vegas: 4.3

Number of hours one will inevitably stuck in traffic because people with broken down cars don’t know how to properly pull off to the side of the road: 1.2

Percentage of scenery on the drive from L.A. to Las Vegas that is barren desert wasteland: 90

Number of yucca trees in attendance: 5,235

Number of In-N-Out Burgers along the way: 2

Number of Peggy Sue’s ’50s Diners: 1

Number of phone calls made to mother, uncle, and cousin regarding hotel check-in, after which we still won’t have a clear answer: 4

Number of times mother says, “Everyone’s at the buffet”: 7

Number of minutes we realize it shouldn’t take so long for our uncle to walk from the buffet to hotel check-in: 20

Number of phone calls to find out that mother, uncle, and uncle’s family aren’t in the buffet but on their way from the airport: 1

Ounces of coffee ingested collectively by this point: 72 (24 per person)

Number of times cousin and I will be grossed out when a random lady implies that we’re hooking up when I say, “We’ll meet you in your room”: 1

Number of changes of clothes I brought for a weekend in Vegas: 3

Number I actually needed: 6

Number of buffets attended by Won’t clan: 3

Number of buffets attended before getting sick of buffet: 1

Average number of plate refills by Won’t clan: 3

Number of plate refills by cousin TL: 6

Average temperature on a typical June day in Las Vegas: 115 F

Average temperature on a typical June evening in Las Vegas: 114 F (kidding, more like upper 80s, but still felt like an oven)

Number of minutes one can spend outside during the day before one feels one will burst into flames: .5

Number of “ones” mentioned in the sentence above: 3

Minimum degree of SPF protection one needs to keep skin from burning to a crisp: 50

Number of sakes it takes to get me bright red: .75

Average number of pounds the typical Las Vegas tourist is overweight: 78.9

Average number of Asians in traveling Asian packs: 8.6

Ratio between decrepit-looking cocktail waitresses and attractive cocktail waitresses: 1:1

Difference between decrepit-looking and attractive waitress’ cocktail uniforms: 0

Number of minutes between uncle saying, “We’ll be there soon,” and actual arrival: 30

Ratio between amount of exertion it takes to walk from Bally’s to the Mirage at noon on a typical June day in Las Vegas (see average tempature above) and the quality of the buffet at the Mirage: 2:1

Number of people who will almost faint upon the walk back from the Mirage to Bally’s: 2

Amount of money lost by me on video poker: $10

Amount of money spent by me on the rip-off of a gym at Bally’s: $22

Number of bottles of water and pieces of fruit pilfered by me from said rip-off of a gym: 4, 2

Average cost of 16 oz bottle of water: $4

Average cost of 16 oz bottle of beer: $4

Number of jokes my aunt will tell that involves the very loud pronouncement, “Woof! woof!”: 1

Number of times she’ll tell it within a 5-minute span: 2

Number of languages she’ll use to tell it: 2

Times my mother gets the joke: .3

Number of jokes my aunt will tell that involves breasts, penises, camels, and elephants: 1

Average duration of time my cousins and I will be mortified: 44.6 years

Number of combinations of family members the Won’t clan can devise for group pictures: 136

Number of times Caesar’s Palace is bigger than my apartment: 10,000,000,000

Coolness factor on a scale of 1 to 10 of the fountain show at Bellagio: 10

Cheesiness factor of Neptune/Fire and Ice fountain show at Caesar’s: 10

Number of girls in slutty outfits waiting in line to get in a nightclub called Pure at Caesar’s: 136

Flabbergastedness factor: 10

Number of mothers, aunts, and uncles it takes to come to a decision about where to eat for brunch on the last day: 0

Number of neices named Anna May: 1

Number of items I will break in one minute on the drive back from Las Vegas to L.A.: 2 (my sunglasses and my iPod holder)

Number of times I’ll return to Las Vegas in the summer: 0


  1. hahaha, Pure’s the nightclub where Lindsay Lohan was supposed to have her 21 birthday party. but she canceled it so she can recover fully after rehab (from alcohol).

    hilarious indices!!!

  2. ohhh! i love vegas in the summer! it’s a dry heat! ;)

  3. You know, I’ve always heard that the area surrounding Las Vegas is really quite cool… I think that’s the only reason I’d ever hop on one of those cheap flights to LV.

    That and ‘O’.

  4. I’m with you, Vegas in the summer is a def. no after the first time.
    Also, you do realize you have to post the joke your aunt told? Because I really want to hear it.

  5. Very informative. 78 lbs overweight, sounds horrible.

  6. Well, I do hope you are having fun. I am not sure I want to go there now. Your aunt could be my dad, with all of those jokes about breasts, penises, camels, and elephants, except that he wouldn’t mention the camels and elephants.

  7. mini: oh, i’m glad she canceled. a huge vegas bash would surely push her off the wagon.

    zerodoll: now that i’m back in humid nyc summer weather, i’d agree on the dry heat. if only the casinos didn’t reek of cigarette smoke. :P

    hemlock: yeah, i’d be curious to check out the surrounding area too.

    sitcomgirl: but the jokes will be so anticlimactic! i’ll think about it. ;)

    r42k: probably an exaggeration on my part, but we did see quite a few obese people.

    zydeco fish: at this moment i’m not having fun because i’m back at work, but i did have snippets of fun – mostly with family – in vegas.

    yikes re: breast/penis jokes from your dad.