10 ghetto ways to beat a heat wave

First off, fuck you San Francisco. You’re not who I thought you were. First you bring me mosquitoes, and now, not just one, but TWO heat waves.

But I’ve made this commitment and there’s nothing I can do about it now except deal, in 10 ghetto ways.

Complain. Sure, it does nothing to make me feel cooler, but complaining, whining, and sighing is second nature to me when it comes to the heat.

Wear ugly capri pants. Okay, everybody, quit staring at my pants. I know they make my legs look even shorter than they are, but they’re the coolest pants I own, and by cool I mean the least warm.

Hang out in a supermarket. The A/C at work yesterday wasn’t working to its full potential. Doesn’t help we’re on the top floor. I wasn’t really hungry but I definitely needed some air so I headed over to the supermarket.

Ah, the air conditioning! The dairy aisle! I could have stayed there all day.

Eat popsicles. So green, so icy. Will make you feel like a kid on a summer night, eating the drippy melty goodness outside so you don’t get your mom’s clean house all sticky.

Eat a salad. I for once have much less of an appetite during hot weather. Except for popsicles.

Wait till dark to walk outside. At least unlike New York, it does get cooler here once the sun goes down.

Take a hot shower. You’d think a cold shower would be the thing, but I for one feel warmer emerging from cool water. After a hot shower, the air feels cooler in comparison against my skin.

Turn on all the fans. Self-explanatory.

Try to lie perfectly still in bed. Because any movement feels like you’re expending energy, which equals heat. Lie still and sweat, I should say.

Check the weather constantly. Like I’ve been doing every day, multiple times a day since this weekend. Supposedly today is the last day of this heat wave, and tomorrow we’re back down to the upper 60s/low 70s.

I hope so!

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