Am I ready yet?

To start dating again that is. My guess would be no though I feel tempted.

If I start again, I’m not sure I want to go back on the site that H. and I “met” on. I get sick to my stomach imagining that he’s already activated his ad again, though I’d be doing the same thing.

I feel most vulnerable when I get stressed about something. For instance, last night it was about work. Stupid stupid work. Who cares? It’s not worth this stress. But still I couldn’t sleep, thinking about that and intensely missing H., or maybe just missing having someone in my life, right there, who I can talk to. I thought, Maybe it’s not H. but an old, deep wound, ruptured again. How literary.

I narrarate my life to survive, as one of my classmates would say.

Last night I had a dream about this consultant here whom I’ve had a small crush on, off and on, for the past several months. We had funny conversation last week; another time on a conference call, after we were done talking about business, he seemed to want to talk more, and like an idiot, I was like, “Well, okay, bye!”

I have been thinking about Consultant Guy a little, but I didn’t expect a dream. I’ve yet to dream about H.

I’m going to a meeting in Dallas next week and hoping Consultant Guy will be there too. Doubt it though.


  1. I hope he will be there!! =D It’s good to have a diversion and having a concrete example that there are other suitable men out there.
    You sound steady that I think you’re ready. I would go back – or try a different site – and look around at my leisure but not be too active until it feels right (someone is that promising-looking).

  2. that’s just what i did! i set myself up on a different site with the idea that i’ll just put myself out there but be very casual about it, ie, not actively go and look but just be available and open.

    i kept thinking i needed to wait till i didn’t feel lonely anymore, but then i thought, screw it, that’s too hard.