10 good things about the economic crisis

I won’t say I understand too much about the economic crisis that’s going on in the US right now. All I know is seemingly monolithic investment banks are crumbling like dust, and monolithic regular banks are growing ever more monolithic, sorta like No Face from Spirited Away who kept eating and eating till he grew disgustingly huge and got normal only by ingesting a weird herb ball from the River God, and throwing everything up, and. . .well, I digress.

But I do understand enough to make a snarky top 10 list of all the good things about the depression that’s supposedly on its way.

10) As Gawker says, we renters are right by default. We meant to not save enough money to buy property! It was totally on purpose!

9) Now’s the best time to become a slum lord. Scoop up all that property that’s worth virtually nothing now, jack up the rent, and do no repairs. Then party like it’s 1979!

8) It will be easier to find an ATM. Now that most banks are ONE BIG BANK, ATMs for Your Bank, which is Everyone’s Bank, will be EVERYWHERE! With presumably no fees. Well, hopefully.

7) Severance packages! Oh wait. Never mind, unless you’re a CEO.

6) Since the government will be using my damned tax dollars to bail out these rich assholes who fucked up in pure arrogance and greed, maybe they will do what’s right and turn the former financial institutions into true government bodies, which means – socialized medicine for everyone! Yeah right. And maybe a black man will be president.

5) Now’s the best time to move to Paris, or Prague, or Amsterdam. That would be awesome.

4) Now’s the best time to go to music school or become a librarian. No one can say, “Hey, you should get a job that makes money,” because there will be none. And that’s totally a good thing. . .right?

3) Schadenfreude. Remember back in the early ’90s when everyone you knew – classmates, friends, the children of your parents’ friends – was going into finance? They were getting close-to-six-figure offers right out of college, mulling between multiple offers. Then they were getting their MBAs, buying BMWs, buying houses in the ‘burbs, making investments. And your parents kept asking you why don’t you want to do that too? Why are you making less than $20K in publishing, or trying to be a writer, or trying to make it in Hollywood?

And now what? Mwuah-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!

2) The financial worker douchebags who come down from Murray Hill to get stupid drunk in my neighborhood won’t be able to afford their $20 martinis anymore.

And last not but not least. . .

1) My parents will stop bugging me about buying a condo. WHOOPEE!!! Hooray for the corruption!

Now let’s go shopping.


  1. I love that list, totally cracked me up!

  2. that was totally awesome. and i can relate to almost every point. so funny.