Transformers 3: Why?

Last night MB and I saw Transformers 3. I knew I was in for something really stupid, but the movie exceeded my stupid-expectations.

A couple of plot holes would have been acceptable, but there were so fucking many. SPOILER ALERT.

  1. Why did the Autobots agree to be blasted off into space?
  2. Why were humans trying to destroy that column thingie? Why didn’t an Autobot just destroy it?
  3. Why were humans involved at all?
  4. Why was it in 3D? So I could see Frances McDormand’s shoulder pad up and close and personal?
  5. Why did bringing another planet into the earth’s atmosphere not cause cataclysmic seismic changes to the earth’s crust?
  6. How did Shia Labeouf’s character end up with that girl?
  7. Are we really supposed to believe she’s smart now because she’s wearing glasses?
  8. Wait, I thought she supported him being a “hero,” but now suddenly she doesn’t because suddenly she has a brother who died in some war?
  9. The scene with their parents in the trailer, lecturing Shia Laboef about love – seriously: WHY?
  10. Wait, how did the girl get to Megatron? Where was Megatron? Where was she? Where is anybody?
  11. Why does this movie exist?
  12. Why did I go see it?

Okay, okay, there were some enjoyable aspects, like Ken Jeong, and John Malkovich, and Leonard Nimony, and Frances McDormand could read the phone book and I’d still love her, and some of the robot fighting scenes, although most of the time I couldn’t tell the difference between the Autobots and the Decepticons and wished for more of the slo-mo action scenes so that I could tell what was happening.

What I do for love.


  1. I liked the old cartoon version of the Transformer, especially when they make that “chee chew krack chew” sound as they change.

  2. Haha. I watched a movie that was way worse than this… It’s called Passion Play and it also has Megan Fox in it. But wait… it has Bill fucking Murray, too. How can a movie with Bill Murray be shit? There are, evidently, many reasons. Awful awful awful.

  3. Tom – I remember liking the cartoon too, though mostly it was because my brother was watching, and I just tagged along.

    David – I’ve never heard of this movie! Looks like it has Mickey Rourke too. What a random combination of actors. Would have to be either terrible or awesome.

    • I thought, “Maybe it’s one of those movies that died at the box office but is secretly awesome.”

      No, just plain sucked. Murray wasn’t even trying. Rouke tried and failed. Megan Fox was… well, Megan Fox. Awful actress.

  4. Whenever I say, “how stupid could it possibly be?” then pay admission to a movie, I am astonished that it was THAT stupid. That phrase is like nature’s warning that this is $15 and 120 minutes of your life you’re never going to get back, so proceed accordingly.

    • I know, right? If I ever say those words again, I’ll have tell myself, “A hundred times more stupid than you’re imagining,” then maybe I won’t be so flabbergasted. And you know, I wanted to enjoy the movie. I wanted brain candy, but I just could not get past that first giant plot hole, which opened up all the other plot holes, till the whole thing just fell apart, like something with a lot of holes.