Annoying neighbors

If you follow me on Twitter, you’ll know that I have some crazy ass neighbors who fight constantly.

And the latest:

I’ve had my fair share of loud neighbors. In Boston there were two girls who argued all the time. Once I heard a chair being thrown; another time I heard one holler: “You’re such a vindictive cunt!”

In New York I never had to deal with fighting neighbors, but that doesn’t mean they were quiet. My upstairs neighbors in Westchester were particularly noisy. The little kids would run around and jump well into the evening. I remember once when it was going on past 10 (sure it was a Saturday but it’s still annoying), I went up and asked them to quiet down. The woman was a total bitch about it. She “fauxpologized,” saying, “They’re just having fun.”

Yeah, fun right on my head.

In my Manhattan apartment, the worst I had to deal with was the guy upstairs who seemed to walk with concrete-filled shoes and would blast cheesy music, as well as idiots who thought it was a good idea to stand in the hallway or stairwell and have a conversation late at night. In MB’s place on the Lower East Side, I rarely heard his neighbors at all. Once in a while, we heard the girl upstairs having sex, but that was it.

In San Francisco, it’s been a different story.

Our former downstairs neighbor was a complete nutcase. Sometimes I’d hear her sobbing; other times she had very loud sex. Once I think she had sex with two guys at once. Then she got a boyfriend, and she seemed to even out except for their occasional epic fights.

Their fights were usually just yelling (“I’m sorry I ever met you!”) but once we heard what could have been hitting. They were fighting and fighting, and the guy said, “You’re fucked up! You’re fucked up! You’re fucked up!” and the girl sreamed, “Then go away! GO AWAY! GO AWAY!” followed by the sound of banging and the girl crying. At that point, MB called 911.

The police came, and MB showed them which apartment it was. I heard the girl yelling, “You have him up against the wall?! You have him up against the wall?!” I don’t think they arrested him. I think they just made him leave, after which the girl wandered back and forth in her apartment, sobbing. Then she – get this – opened her bedroom window and jumped out.

At the time I didn’t know she did this. All I heard was their window open below ours (they were on the second floor), her grunts of exertion, and then her cries coming from the garden behind our building. I was confused because I hadn’t heard their door open and close, but the next morning when I saw the pillows below their window, I put two and two together.

What a fucking idiot.

Even when the girl wasn’t fighting with her boyfriend, she was still noisy. She was a total night owl and would stay up all night talking to her boyfriend, or on the phone, or with some equally loud and annoying friend. Last winter, for two or three nights in a row, she stayed up all night watching TV full blast in her bedroom. I guessed that her boyfriend was away for Christmas, and that she was lonely. Like I gave a crap. It was as though her TV were in our room.

By that point, MB had gone down several times over the course of a few months to ask her to turn down her music or whatever, and he was fed up. One night she had her TV going, he stomped on the floor really loudly – so loudly she gave a little scream. And she turned down her TV a tiny smidge, which made no difference.

Later I found out some stuff about her, like she had had a really hard childhood with all kinds of abuse, but still: we were really happy when she moved out.

Then in moved the fighting couple upstairs.

Usually they’re not too bad. The girl walks incredibly heavily, and the guy sometimes plays guitar and sings, or else raps terribly. Otherwise they keep normal hours.

But they fight. ALL. THE. TIME.

Last night we were woken at two o’clock in the morning by the guy yelling. (I don’t why it’s always at two. Our former downstairs neighbors would also get noisy at two AM. My only guess is that that’s when the bars close and they come home, drunk and riled up, which is AWESOME for us.) Anyway, last night the guy yelled, stomped around, then stomped around A LOT. It sounded like a herd of elephants running back and forth. We guessed that his girlfriend was trying to get away from him, and he was going after her. Things were thrown; our lights shook.

At this point, we were up and watching television. There was no way we could sleep through that, partly because it was so noisy, and partly because we were on edge that something REALLY bad would happen, because in case you’re wondering, we could tell that there wasn’t any hitting involved. At one point the girl said, “You hurt my hand!” and the guy said, “Oh, you can push me, but I can’t push you? You’re heavier than I am!” (which is true: he’s a wimpy a little guy, and she must outweigh him by 20 or 30 pounds).

But just in case we kept our ears peeled. MB heard the guy yell something like, “I’m never voting for anyone you work for again!” whatever that means. I heard him holler, “You’re a liar and a coward!” She was crying. Finally, close to four AM, the yelling and stomping finally stopped. Either he left, or they just pooped out.

Next time they fight, I should just live tweet it, like this guy.


1 comment

  1. I think you guys need to get an apt on the top floor.

    That live tweet of the fight was like watching a car crash in slow motion. You know you shouldn’t watch it, but you can’t help yourself.