03
Dec 06

The weekend thus far: Friday

The “weekend thus far” post was turning into one of Moby Dick-proportions, so I’m dividing into parts. First up, Friday.

~ ~ ~
Friday night I volunteered for the Small Press Center’s indie press book fair, which started on Saturday. My work consisted of making signage, straightening the books on the first floor (the Small Press Center is in something like a library), helping to string Christmas lights in the “cafe,” and collating handouts. Back to my secretary days.

The signage was made up of three almost letter-sized agenda pages and a large poster board. I saw one of the other volunteers using colored paper to mat the agenda pages and thought that was a cool idea. “I’m totally copying you,” I told her.

My design was simple. Three staggered agenda pages and two colored pages behind them at acute angles. Her design was more complex. The agenda pages didn’t fit exactly onto the poster board and so she got out the scissors and used the paper cutter. The thought of this made me feel tired so I just overlapped the pages. Then she matted each individual agenda page with a variety of colors. I didn’t see her finished product so I’ve no idea how they turned out.

As I worked on the floor, people passing by kept stopping to say, “Wow, that looks great! Those are beautiful!” Later one of the women who was also helping to string the Christmas lights said, “Did you do the signs? They’re beautiful this year!” Good lord, what did they look like last year? Then, one of the gals running the show came up to me and said, “Are you the artist? We need to make arrows.” It was pretty funny to me.

I’ve never thought of myself as having a good eye. When I was a kid, I was skilled at reproducing pictures by hand, but not good at creating visually from scratch. I’ve always thought of myself as visually challenged. I have a horrible sense of direction; all roads and streets look the same to me unless I’ve traveled over them a million times. I can’t remember where conference rooms or people’s offices are outside of my floor.

Spatially in a small area I’m good. I know where exactly where stuff is in my place, my parents’ house, my office.

Maybe having a good eye is a skill that can be developed. I got into a conversation with one of the volunteers about hard work vs talent in terms of writing. You can have all the talent in the world, but if you don’t have the drive and tenacity, who cares? My teacher said the same thing, that most newspaper and magazine editors would take the less talented hard worker over the more talented diva, or divo, as the case may be.

Most of the other volunteers, with the exception of the woman also doing signage, seemed to have had worked for the Small Press Center before, either full time or freelance. The woman I talked to the most had done some PR work for them, was a freelance journalist for several years in the midwest, Pennsylvania, and now here, and just got a job with an academic publisher. It was cool to talk to someone so experienced in journalism, though a different kind than I’m interested in.

Another woman there was the literary agent I met with at the writers’ conference in April. I don’t think she recognized me, and I didn’t say anything. I had sent her a couple of things, at her request, and never heard back from her. Okay, not interested.

The writing world is so small. Another employee for the SPC said I looked familiar though I didn’t recognize her.

I worked from about 5:30 till after 8. They brought in pizza for dinner, which was cool. As I left, the director of the center thanked me a million times for “giving up my Friday night.” I felt like a loser for a millisecond, then let it go.

I walked several blocks north to the next subway stop. It had just stopped raining so the city had that shiny, clean look. All the holiday lights are up now and I couldn’t resist taking some pictures:

With all the stopping and taking photos, I didn’t get home till almost 10. Then I became very interested in TV, including a rerun of House at 11 (the diagnosis always seems to be either a weird fungus or a genetic disease, or a combination of both) so I didn’t go to sleep till midnight.


26
Oct 06

Speak-not-so-easy

I was so psyched about not having to present at the meeting in Florida last week, then ended up having to present yesterday locally.

Although it turned out fine, I was still pretty stressed out beforehand, to the point that I took a Unisom the night before, not to help me fall asleep, but so that in the morning my nerves would be distracted by feeling tired and slightly spacey.

I’m starting to think I need to take a public speaking class. With my job it’s becoming more apparent that I can’t get away with not presenting. I hate that extremely nervous feeling I always get before I do it.

It doesn’t just go for presenting. I have this problem in meetings, in class (though less so), and sometimes in social situations in which I don’t know a lot of people or feel uncomfortable. It comes and goes. Perhaps I need to learn some techniques to make it happen less often.

People who aren’t shy don’t understand this, just as I don’t understand how one can be perfectly calm before going on stage. S. says he never feels nervous before a performance, just pumped and maybe worried that he’ll forget something, but not nervous like me. My fear is blanking or stumbling, and then getting those embarrassed looks from the audience.

I have to remind myself that I may be projecting, and even if they *are* embarrassed for me, it’s not because I blanked for a moment or stumbled, but because I probably look like I’m starting to freak out.

I thought about taking a stand up comedy class. S. has enjoyed his, and Mario Vasquez, this news reporter on CBS, suggested it in order to conquer fear of public speaking as well as to build skills for being an effective speech maker. He was an excellent speaker. Very natural and funny.

I’ve had this problem since I was kid. Throughout school we had to give oral reports and speeches, and I always did okay. Yes, I was very nervous beforehand but always did well, sometimes made people laugh. I don’t feel as successful with these work-related presentations. Maybe if I had something under my belt, like making people laugh from stage, then I’d feel more confident overall.

I was okay with teaching. In the beginning it was extremely nerve racking, but after a few weeks, I got the hang of it and it felt almost natural. Maybe because all I needed was a loose lesson plan, and then I was just talking off the top of my head. And people always had questions. I do better with just answering people’s questions than just lecturing.

The idea of a stand-up comedy class scares the bejeezus out of me. But some people are SO horrible. Cringingly bad. I can’t be worse than them.

~ ~ ~


On another note, my obsession with Flickr grows. I finally went “pro” and now have what seems like an unlimited capacity for uploading pix. Also, one of my photos got into Explore last week – yippee!

I joined a group, Mirror Views from a Street Mentality. I love taking pictures of reflections, which I often spot when I’m wandering around the city. So far I’ve sent two pix to them. Hopefully I’ll have more.

It’s come to this: I want a better camera. Mine is perfect for traveling since it’s so small, but because it’s so small, my pictures are not as sharp as they could be. And I have less control in terms of what I want to focus on. I’ll have to do some research on a fancier schmanicer camera.


15
Oct 06

Lovely low-key weekend

When will my complexion settle down? I have a pimple on my chin and mad wrinkles on my forehead. Are you a teenager or a 34-year old? Make up your mind, face!

Besides dealing with skin issues, I had a fine little lowkey weekend. My massage Friday night was very nice. The oil my masseuse used smelled excellent, sage and eucaplytus, I believe, though I could have picked two mintier ones, a grapefruity one, or one that was rosy (while I like roses in person, rose-scented items make me think of little old ladies).

She could totally tell where my problem areas were: behind my right shoulderblade – all that mousing – and between my neck and shoulder on my left side, ie, where I carry my bag. When she kneaded that area by my right shoulderblade, it KILLED, though in a good way, but on my left it just felt good. Guess it’s really tight over there on the right.

I swear I think she pushed all my cold toxins to the surface because the bug that’s been brewing all week has finally come to a head. Coughing, sneezing, runny nose, though I feel better overall.

How I look on the other hand. I went to Sak’s to ask about these samples I received. The actual items are mucho dinero – like $200 for a little pot of night cream. No thanks! I did manage to wrangle some more free samples out of them, and for some reason she gave me a boatload for dark undereye circles. I’m sick! I wanted to shout. I don’t always look like this!

Saturday morning I was up early to help my friend snap some photos for promo materials for his next comedy gig. Took a lot – let’s hope some are usable.

I practiced using the “continuous” mode for the first time. Oh my God, so much fun. I tried it several times with him riding down the sidewalk on his skateboard. Flipping through the pictures quickly was like watching a little movie. I’ll have to find another excuse to use it again.

Did my beauty product run that afternoon. Besides Sak’s I hit Barney’s, and then I walked home. A beautiful but chilly day. I rested at my place for a bit before heading back out that evening to attend a concert one of my coworkers was performing in and had organized.

The performance was up near my alma mater so you’d think I’d know how to get there. But somehow I got on the wrong train and ended up in Harlem. Same street number, different avenue. I looked up from my book very confused and actually thought they had changed the name of the stop.

In the end I got to where I needed to go, and realized after that instead of a bus and a train, I could have taken one bus pretty much directly. Duh.

It was COLD that night. I had on a turtleneck, a track jacket, and a regular jacket. With my train mishap, I was a few minutes late and missed my coworker’s performance, but I’ve heard her sing before, and she was the only one I missed.

It was nice to get out and do something different. I don’t make it a habit of listening to classical music or opera, so it was good to expose myself to that. Plus I’m proud of myself for going even though I had no one to go with. I could have easily made an excuse about feeling sick and not wanting to go by myself, and just have stayed home and watched some stupid TV. But in going, I got out of the house, got some culture, and showed support to my friend and the arts. Woohoo!

Today was chore/errand day:

  • balanced my checkbook
  • switched my summer and fall/winter clothes
  • got some Chinese medicine from Chinatown (licorice tablets for my itchy throat, the only thing that’s ever worked for me; had to hit four herbal shops to find it)
  • picked up Asian groceries
  • checked out Kiehl’s (didn’t buy, must show some resistance)
  • bought some regular groceries
  • cooked this beef/vegetable/curry concoction that looks gross but tastes good and will last me another two or three days

I am also tearing through this latest issue of Granta. I think I was out of practice with reading. Now that I’ve fallen back in the habit, I feel like I’m reading faster. Or maybe now I’m just used to doing it in spare moments throughout the day – waiting for the train, on the train, a few minutes here and there at work – as well as large chunks in the early morning and evening. Now I just need to fall back into the habit of writing again too.

I realized only recently that I’m learning to live alone again. Not on my own, of course I know how to do that. I thought the only thing I had to relearn was dating, but what’s more important is knowing how to live alone well and fully, not waiting for the next Big Love to come along, or waiting for the next Big Anything.

You spend all your time waiting for the next Big Whatever, you miss all the Smaller but Still Important Whatevers that are right in front of your face.

Your pimply, wrinkly face. :)


09
Oct 06

I love this book: Live Alone and Like It

Thanks to Anonymous Writer for posting about Live Alone and Like It back in September. I’d not have heard of it otherwise.

I’ve only just started reading it and already love it. The book was published in 1936 so it’s old-fashioned in some ways (like about S-E-X), but it’s also surprisingly timely.

I especially like the case examples, like pathetic Miss Whomever who sits around waiting for a husband, unlike her single counterparts who relish their independence, traveling and changing the world.

If I were a case study, how would I read?

Miss W. is a divorced 34-year old who lives in a charming one-bedroom in a lovely section of Manhattan. Having spent much of her young adulthood dedicating herself to one man and his family, she is suddenly on her own again.

But unlike herself at 20, she can now afford the finer things in life. Exquisite meals, theatre tickets, and trips to exotic locales around the world.

Without familial obligations, she now has time to pursue her dreams and to better herself in ways she has always wanted. While she makes do as a marketer for a large corporation, her true career is that of a writer.

As a married woman, time spent writing was seen as time not spent with family, and now, living alone, she can make her own schedule, writing as much or as little (preferably the former) as she wants.

She has also always enjoyed running, and a lifelong goal has been to run a marathon. In between her day job and bouts of writing, she trains and racks up the number of required races to be able to run next year.

She admits that at times she is a solitary being, and has chosen as her favorite activities, two very solitary pursuits. So she must remind herself to engage in more social events as well.

These can be connected to her interests, such as the NY Road Runners Club, writing classes, and volunteering for such literary institutions as the Asian American Writers’ Workshop or the Small Press Center.

Of course Miss W. is lonely at times, but she tries not to dwell too long on this. Dwelling for too long does nothing to alleviate these feelings. Nor does she enter social situations with expectations of meeting that special someone. If she did, no matter how fun-filled the event, she’d be disappointed if these expectations were not met.

At times she wishes her circle of confidantes were closer, but having friends and family all over the country gives her the excuse to travel. Boston, Washington DC, and Los Angeles are all places she visits regularly.

She can’t forget the dear friends who *are* near her. Not only are they all wonderful conversationalists, their activities are hers. She loves “tagging along” on their performances, literary activities, and children’s adventures (even better: she’s free to take leave when the adventures morph into mis-adventures).

She tries to ascribe to the philosophy of why focus on the negative when there’s so much positive to enjoy?

Of course this would be my case study at my best. And so all I can do is strive to do and be my best. :)

Some bon mots from the book:

Never, never, never let yourself feel that anybody ought to do anything for you. Once you become a duty you also become a nuisance. Be surprised and pleased, if you like, at gifts, invitations, and other attentions. Or, better still, take them casually. But don’t let anyone suspect if you miss them.

Remember that nothing is so damaging to a self-esteem as waiting for a telephone or door-bell that doesn’t ring.

The first rule is to have several passionate interests. . . .You should have at least one that keeps you busy at home and another that takes you out. Just dabbling in them isn’t enough, either. They will not be really efficacious until you’re the kind of enthusiast who will stay home to follow the first type in spite of a grand invitation, or go out and follow the second in spite of wind, sleet, or rain.

* * *

My weekend at my parents’ was pretty uneventful. But I got to do laundry and have a run on Saturday in what is basically farmland. Yesterday I ran in the city.

I think I’m coming down with something. During my jog on Sunday, my legs felt achy and not in a I-just-had-a-good-workout kind of way. I was so tired that night I went to bed at 9, then kept waking up feeling hot. Also had a headache. This morning my throat hurt and I’ve felt yucky all day. Not congested though.

I hate getting sick. The last full-fledged cold I had was in February 2005. In November I had a little sumpin but it never developed. Hopefully I can fight this one off.

So I postponed my class. It was to start tomorrow and I decided to take the one in February instead. I just don’t feel like dealing with running into the Boy between our classes, or worrying about running into him. It would be different if we were friends.

I opted for the “master” level, which is a better fit for me. Watch: he’ll decide to do a repeat and show up in my class. But by February I’ll probably be more ready to handle it. Hopefully.

Besides, I’m a little tired of my essays. After reading Stephen King’s On Writing, I feel inspired about trying fiction again. November is NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month. Yay! Though I’m not sure what my novel will be about. I’ll have to tap into my “ideas” spreadsheet.


12
Sep 05

I’m not your typical Asian female

I’m not your typical Asian female.

My hair is not silky, long, and straight. It’s
short and thick and coarse. The ends
bristle like a new broom. The surface
frizzes in humidity. A thatch of white
hides on my 33-year old head, though
lately it’s become bolder, and peeks
out occasionally, to see what’s going on.

I’m not your typical Asian female. My
skin is not pale and porcelain-clear. Freckles
abound, brown spots and splotches striding
across my face like they own the place. I’ve
tried every whitening product known to wo/
man. I’ve tried to stay out of the sun. My
freckles do a little dance when I go there.

I’m not your typical Asian female. My
arms and legs are not bone-thin. My
delts and biceps swell at even the sight
of a weight machine. I have thighs
one clap short of thunder, I have
rice-paddy calves, made for squatting. I’d
have made an excellent peasant, I’d
have made some farmer a good wife.

But,

If my hair were silky, long, and straight, if
my freckles disappeared, if my arms and legs
were indeed bone-thin, I wouldn’t be writing this poem.

My hair wouldn’t curl in the rain, one wayward loop
to be brushed away by a tender hand. My face
wouldn’t be as surprising upon second glance –
you have freckles! always said with delight. Thin limbs
would lose me in a midst of wispy girls. I’d not stride
as strong and fast, I’d not clap as loudly. I’d be
your typical Asian girl.

BUT,

Is there really such a thing as a typical Asian girl? Is
there such a thing as a typical any girl, a typical
any woman, a typical any one? Everyone is atypical.
Everyone should shake their coarse, white-streaked heads,
lift their freckle-covered faces, raise their thick, strong arms –
everyone should do a little dance in the sun.