02
Jun 07

Book Expo, Days 1 and 2

If you don’t already know, Book Expo is an annual convention for “industry professionals,” ie, publishers, editors, agents, book buyers (distributors, book stores, libraries), book sellers, and authors. I had a feeling authors and writers would play second fiddle in the book madness, but still thought it would be interesting to hear ideas and hobnob with who’s who in the publishing world.

First off, it was a frigging mad house. Never have I been at a venue with so many people. Plus the Jacob Javitz Center is completely overwhelming. For the first 40 minutes, I just sort of aimlessly wandered around. There’s this horrible food court that was teeming with people and reeks at lunchtime of fried food. Luckily, most of my sessions were in one corner of the center, on the other side of the food court.

Yesterday was hardly a full day for me. I wanted to go to a Walter Mosley talk at noon but couldn’t get away from work. So I settled for just the afternoon session, A Mighty Heart: From Manuscript to Screen.

Maybe you’ve seen previews for this Angelina Jolie flick that chronicles, from the point of view of his wife Marianne, the kidnapping and eventual killing of American journalist, Danny Pearl, right after 9/11. I’m not sure how I feel about Angelina Jolie – for one, I think she takes herself far too serioulsy – but the movie looks pretty engaging. The whole writerly/journalist aspect intrigues me as well.

The program said that Marianne Pearl was supposed to be there, but she wasn’t, to my great disappointment. At the time her husband was kidnapped, she was working for French public radio, and now I believe she’s doing a series for Jane magazine on atrocities against women around the world.

It was still a pretty interesting discussion, especially the writing process. Marianne tried for a long time to write the book herself, but she couldn’t, not only because it had been such a harrowing experience, but because she had just given birth to her and Danny’s son. She needed someone to help her.

She’d go to her editor’s house in Brooklyn, and together they’d write all day. English is Marianne’s second language so she’d write in French, email that to her jazz musician friend in Paris who knew English and who’d translate, email it back, and then her editor would edit it.

As for bringing it to the screen, that was a lot more straightforward. Brad Pitt’s production company, Plan B, approached them, and after some initial reluctance, they agreed.

I believe Marianne Pearl is biracial so at first I had a problem with Angelina Jolie playing her. But from the way they described Marianne – and seeing Angelina play her, even in the short trailer – they seem a lot of alike.

A big problem the American media had with Marianne was that in interviews she wouldn’t cry, like not even on Oprah, which apparently was a huge disaster.

She wanted to remain strong in the eyes of the kidnappers and not show her husband that she was upset. Plus it was just the kind of person she was. That reminds me of Angelina Jolie, like she comes off as this ice princess in interviews. You kind of want to hate her, but then you think maybe she’s just not pandering to the media.

Today was far more packed. The first session I went to was on Nancy Pearl’s book (totally off topic, but I got so confused with all the Pearls at the conference: Marianne Pearl, Nancy Pearl, Crazy Aunt Purl who apparently has a book now), Book Crush, which is a volume of book recommendations for teens and kids. Her other two books, Book Lust and More Book Lust, were aimed at adults.

Seems like a fun idea. She also said that there’s an essay contest connected with Book Crush on “your first book crush.” But I can’t find any info on it on her website. Maybe it’ll be updated soon.

The population at the conference is interesting. Unlike writers conferences, there aren’t any freaks, just sort of sloppily dressed, middle-aged book professionals, except for the sales people. Those folks are all in suits and ties. This is very unlike the sales meetings for my company, where everyone is super polished, even in their business casual attire.

But in the second session I went to, The Leap to Debut: Transitioning from Short Form Periodicals to First Fiction, I felt like I had stepped into a bar in Williamsburg. The audience was far younger and hipper than that of other sessions I had been to. Maybe because “debut-ers” (debutantes?) are usually younger, or maybe because the periodicals represented – The Believer, Granta, and A Public Space – are aimed at a certain audience.

(And hey, PL, if you’re reading this, One Story totally got a shout out as a good place to find excellent fiction, and that was one of just a half a dozen props. Yay One Story!)

At the end this older gentleman raised his hand with not a question but some “obversations.” You know me: I immediately rolled my eyes. Turned out he was the editor for the Antioch Review, which was also been cited as a go-to lit mag for up and coming great writers.

Before my next session, I wanted to get a water. The convention center is full of places to buy eats and drinks. Convenient right? Think again. A 16 oz bottle of Poland Spring cost $3. Three dollars! At Whole Foods it’s 50 cents. So I said forget it and walked three blocks and found a deli, where I got a liter for $1.99.

At 1 I went to NYC Visions: Fresh Authors and Portrayals, where five authors talked about their New York-set novels. After this I was hungry and managed to snag a free lunch that I don’t think was intended for attendees but for exhibitors only. Oh well, no one stopped me.

At 2:30 I went to Editors’ Buzz on Debut Fiction, where five editors talked about books they were very excited about this season. The best thing? They gave away bound galleys so I got five free books. Well, “free,” considering the attendance fee.

The one that sounds the most interesting to me is Bloodletting and Miraculous Cures, which has been described as a literary Grey’s Anatomy, but from the way the guy talked about the book, doesn’t seem to do it justice. It’s already huge in Canada, having sold over 200,000 copies, winning the 2006 Giller Prize, and being lauded by the likes of Margaret Atwood and Alice Munro, two of my favorite authors.

When the editor said the author’s name, Vincent Lam, I kept thinking it was “Lamb.” Imagine my delight to find it was a brother.

The last thing I went to was Out of the Book: A Short Film About Ian McEwan, which was basically a promotion for his new book, On Chesil Beach. I’ve read just one book of his, Atonement, which I LOVED so I want to read more of his books.

I have to say the convention center had the worst A/V support. About 1/5 of the microphones weren’t loud enough, and they took forever to get the lights down and then back up during the Ian McEwan film. At other events I’ve gone to, say at the Small Press Center, mediabistro.com, or the PEN Center, there’s always someone on hand to deal with that stuff immediately.

Tomorrow morning I’m going to an “author breakfast” with Ian McEwan (so I like the guy), Rosie O’Donnell, Alice Sebold, and others, I think. That’s at 8 so I have to get up pretty early since it takes me a year to get out there. Then there are a bunch of readings, of which I’ll probably go to a couple.

I didn’t get to finish my memoir in time for this weekend, but I’m not sweating it. I had more changes than I anticipated, and the ending is not q
uite there and it really needs to be. In fact, it needs to be frigging amazing.

Hearing all the ideas and experiences today was very inspiring, as I expected.


30
May 07

A few Wednesday tidbits

Is it Wednesday? Why, yes it is. For some reason I keep thinking (hoping) it’s Thursday.

Remember DK from last summer? Of course you do. Well, sometimes I Google him to see if he’s published anything else, and yesterday I found that he published another piece in the same newspaper as last year. And his essay isn’t that different from his first one either, more dating woes about how women are scary/crazy and he’s an innocent victim.

I can’t believe I dated that guy for six months. I don’t know what I was thinking.

Scratch that. Yes I do. I didn’t know what I wanted; thought an empty fling would be okay. A six month empty fling. It wasn’t.

I read his piece and I get the willies.

Also makes me feel competitive, in a positive, energizing way. I’m a better writer than he is. I can move beyond these amusing yet vapid pieces about dating and sex. I can be deep, poignant, and honest, and have no problem casting myself in a negative but human light, and I can be funny too.

In my own humble opinion.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to work on after finishing up my memoir. Now I know I want to work on some short pieces culled from my longer piece, and try to get those published. Then in the fall I’ll start work on my second long essay, about China and my cousin and all that crazy shit that happened.

I got my haircut finally! So you all don’t have to hear me whine about it anymore. It’s super short and such a relief to get rid of those rough ends brushing against my neck, especially in this hot weather.

Mario was away for several weeks doing hair on a movie set down south. Something about Louis Armstrong and starring Cuba Gooding Jr.’s brother. Not Cuba Gooding Jr., his brother. Not exactly star-studded.

Got home in time to watch the Gilmore Girls rerun, and then a new House. My favorite line from the episode:

Marina (having been brought back from the dead): “Is this heaven?”
House: “No, it’s New Jersey.”

Heaven, Jersey, Jersey, heaven. You say tomato.

Also, who knew Hugh Laurie is actually British? I had no idea. I’d love to hear that accent.

I couldn’t sleep till one last night. I need to get myself a new job.


20
May 07

A too much drinking kind of weekend

At least for someone who normally doesn’t drink a lot.

One Fish, Two Fish – Maybe No Fish
Friday I had a lovely day off. There’s something about not being at work while the rest of the world is. I kept my Blackberry on but that wasn’t too bad, just half a dozen emails or so. Lots more writing and drinking of caffeinated beverages, this time at a Starbuck’s near me – hate the coffee, love the breakfast sandwiches – and then downtown at a boba tea place, mine without boba.

I also stopped in the Strand, like I’ve been meaning to for ages. Got The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami, and Everything Is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer.

Hung out with SB and Ellie. Ellie had on yet another hilarious outfit: a kitty cat shirt, no pants (diaper only), and a bright orange swimming cap halfway off her head. She kept trying to get me to read to her. I lasted one book, One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, before getting bored. “Once upon a time,” I kept saying. “The end!” which she thought was hilarious.

Next we walked down to the Japanese grocery store. Apparently I’m now allergic to seafood. Tuesday night I broke out in hives. I didn’t know what it was from. Peanuts? The chocolate and pecan candy I had? Well, I broke out again on Friday shortly after ingesting a salmon and roe rice cake. I didn’t know how bad it was going to be, so just in case I popped a Benadryl.

Bad idea. My brother and his girlfriend, in from L.A., came into the city around 5. I was a space cadet for a good part of the night, though I had a nice time with them. First we went downtown to see an art show that my brother’s friend’s gallery was having. Then we all went out to dinner at this Meditarranean place, and afterwards went, of all things, bar hopping.

Despite the Benadryl, I did have some drinks. A few sips of champagne at the art show, a tiny bit of wine at dinner, and then two vodka tonics. By the time I hit the vodka tonics, the Benadryl was was wearing off, or else I’d have been on the floor.

“I shouldn’t have had the Seven and Seven.”
The next morning my brother was very hungover. His girlfriend, E., and I were feeling it a little, but not like D. , who had us beat with drink quantities (9 to our far-less-than-9). He puked, then slept it off while E. and I got some breakfast across the street.

We did eventually make it out of the house. What was up with the weather this weekend? The whole time we were fuh-REE-zing, when earlier in the week it was like summer.

We took the bus to the Central Park Conservatory Garden, which I didn’t even know existed. It was absolutely lovely.

E. graduated from the same college I did, so she wanted to check it out, having not seen it for some time. We walked across the Park, and first hit the Hungarian Pastry Shop, which I haven’t been to in years.


It seemed newer and nicer than when I used to hang out there. I distinctly remember the tables being marked up, and even being encouraged to write on them. But maybe I’m thinking of someplace else.

Then we stopped in St. John’s the Divine. Beautiful and peaceful. At one point I was alone, no footsteps or voices in earshot, and it was so utterly still. Is that God? The energy of the universe encapsulated? That inexplicable, intangible Something?

Anyway. After that we walked around both campuses. They had just had commencement so the tents were still set up. It brought back a flood of memories for E. I’ve been back to campus reguarly since 2004 so it wasn’t that big of a deal for me, though three years ago, I was like, “Oh my God! I used to have lunch there! That’s where my Chinese class was! I can’t believe they have an Asian market now!”

We stopped in the campus store, where I got two books for super cheap, hardcovers of The Lovely Bones for $6, and A Room of One’s Own, which I somehow have never read, for $7.

“Dad, are we there yet? Dad, are we there yet? Dad, are we there yet?”
We were pretty tired as we headed back. On the bus there were two annoying kids with their parents. I think you can definitely tell when parents haven’t spent a lot of time with their children. They’re overly indulgent and impractical, like dads who work all the time, or favorite aunts and uncles.

The little girl was so incredibly whiny – “Mom, can we move over there? Mom, can we move over there? Mom, can we move over there?” – and at one point was crouching down in front of her seat. She asked her mother if she could sit like that the rest of the ride and the mother said sure.

Yes, that’s safe for when the bus comes to sudden stops or lurches around traffic. When they finally got off the bus, they just let the kids run off ahead of them out of a different exit, right out into the street. The whole time they were on, E. and I were silent, but the moment they got off, we were like, “Oh my God! Can you believe they, etc., etc.”

Is that a rabbit in your pocket, or are just happy to see me?
We sat around my apartment watching more of The Heroes marathon on the SciFi channel before heading out to Brooklyn to meet a couple of E.’s friends from college. On the subway ride down, there was a little boy who was crying sort of weakly. Maybe because he was tired or sick. The mom was calm and practical, getting them settled while also comforting him.

The woman next to me, who had dyed purple hair, had an open bag. The guy next to her kept looking down in it, which made me think she had a dog or cat in there, but then – voila! – it was a bunny.

A big brown rabbit. The little boy saw at the same time, and the random guy beckoned at him and helped him across the train so that he could pet it a little. He did, very seriously, and then went back to his mom.

When those kinds of things happen, it makes me never want to leave this city.

It was cool to see a different part of New York, though I doubt if I’d ever move out to Brooklyn. It seems so far away. We had dinner at this great Italian place and then went to this bar. E.’s friends were very nice. The husband of one was hilarious. Still, I started to poop out around 11:30. I had had a glass of wine at dinner, and part of a gin and tonic, which I spilled.

Spilling drinks was the theme this weekend, first E. knocked over a bottle of water at my apartment, which was almost impossible NOT to do, since my place is so tiny, then D.’s Diet Coke at lunch, and then I knocked over my gin and tonic. Oh yeah! And Thursday morning I spilled coffee all over my living room rug. Maybe it’s something in the stars.

I was sad to sa
y goodbye to D. and E., but then remembered we’ll all see each other again next month when I’m in L.A. and we drive out to Vegas for the weekend. (Vegas, baby!)

Today I was a complete bum. I wrote a smidgen this morning, then indulged myself with the Sunday Times and a couple of episodes of the Gilmore Girls on DVD. Because I was in touch with work via email on Friday, I don’t feel too much dread about tomorrow. Plus my annoying new boss will be out on Monday and Tuesday, woohoo!

Now the pretentious writerly part
I’ve decided to go to the BookExpo. I’m so psyched! I think I’ve let go of the idea that I don’t like networking and am bad at it. What I like is listening to people’s ideas and hearing what they’ve done with their work and careers, and chatting with people who have similar interests.

I guess that’s a kind of like networking without being overly aggressive or salesy. It’s just something I enjoy and am getting more comfortable with the more of these kind of events I go to.

This morning it occurred to me that writing is like my child. I have to nurture it, educate it, give it attention. I also have to make sacrifices for its good, like having a job I don’t love but that pays the bills.

Of course I’m looking for something better, but I don’t think I could take a pay cut, not if I want to keep living where I’m living, going to writing conferences and events and taking classes. Not to mention traveling and gaining experiences that way. Having some money definitely makes things easier. And it’s not like I work more than 5 days a week, only occasionally past 5 or 6. It’s more the personalities in play that I don’t enjoy.

As Virginia Woolf says, “A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction.”

Having a day job isn’t just feeding the writing habit but helping it grow. It nurtures something that while at times makes me frustrated, also brings me a lot of joy and satisfaction. I’m not in it for the big bucks, that’s for sure.


14
May 07

A few weekend highlights

Getting Out
Saturday morning, instead of staying in and writing, I camped out with coffee and a bagel at an outdoor table at a deli nearby. Later while I ran errands, I took my notebook with me, stopping and writing whenever I took a break or grabbed another coffee.


Also hit Central Park where I wrote near the Alice in Wonderland sculpture, and the Frick museum, writing in the beautiful covered garden. A nice change from being cooped up all day.

Happy Mother’s Day – Not!
Okay, so it was Mother’s Day weekend. But Mother’s Day is not like the New Year; it’s not applicable to everyone and so you shouldn’t go around saying, “Have a happy Mother’s Day!” to every female of child-bearing age. You don’t know anything about that person.

Maybe she 1) doesn’t have kids by choice; 2) wants to have kids and has been trying for years and just can’t; 3) is barren; 4) had a miscarriage; or 5) like yours truly, is so far from possible motherhood that she might as well be a 12-year old boy. Think, people, think!

An Especially Weird Fetishy Encounter
So I was standing on the subway platform Sunday morning, minding my own business. Suddenly this white guy, maybe in his 50s or 60s, tiny with crazy gray hair and chewing on a toothpick, came up out nowhere.

“June-ko?” he said to me, making me jump 10 feet.

Assuming he was talking in some made-up Asian language, I ignored him.

“June-ko?” he said again, coming closer. “June-ko? June-ko? June-ko?”

What the fuck, motherfucker? I moved away.

“Oh, sorry,” he said. “You’re not June-ko.”

Gee, ya think? After saying it five times and my not responding? And I’m sorry but “June-ko” doesn’t sound like a real Asian name to me.

The Weather
It’s been gorgeous out! I prefer it on the cool side. Now if only it’d stay this way for the whole summer.


29
Apr 07

An artsy kind of weekend

It started Friday night when I went with YP to his friend’s open house at Pratt, which is a pretty cool campus with modern sculptures everywhere. His friend wasn’t there so we waited for a little while – we were both STARVING – then left a note.

YP was nice enough to take me out for a belated birthday dinner at Red Bamboo. I had the sizzling tofu, which was literally sizzling when the waiter brought it out, like a fajita.

The artsy weekend continued with a couple of literary events that were part of the PEN World Voices New York literary festival, which was all this week.

Last night was the Believer Nighttime Event, which was hosted by Eric Bogosian and totally free, which rocks in a kind of unbelievable way. And Eric Bogosian is rather sexy, in an Anthony Bourdain kind of way.

The first part was a mock auction – a mock-tion, if you will – using donated objects from the audience: a half-used roll of Ricolas, a copy of an August Wilson play, an expired AARP card (donated by 50+ year old who looked about 35). It was amusing at times but went on too long.

Next Bogosian read from his new novel. Angry and funny. Hot.

There was supposed to be short film but they couldn’t show it due to “technical difficulties,” which was okay by me because the next bit was the main reason I, and I think a lot of other people, were there.

John Hodgman is perhaps best known as the PC in those Apple commercials, but before that he was already an established writer and humorist, making appearances on The Daily Show. He’s also quite funny.

By chance I recently listened to an old This American Life, Nice Work If You Can Get It, on which he talked about how his life has changed so much and so weirdly since becoming famous from the Apple commercials. If I hadn’t listened to that This American Life, I wouldn’t have recognized his name in the program I got in the mail.

Hodgman hosted a writers’ “speed dating” event, which was basically a timed exchange between pairs of writers. It was pretty fun. The writers, who didn’t know each other, either asked each other their own questions, or the ones that Hodgman had come up with, like, “What did you do this morning? Answer yes or no.”

Having a cast of international writers was pretty fucking cool. The Dutch woman was paired with an Italian man who needed an interpretor (it was also cool hearing the different languages, even if I didn’t udnerstand), while this very young Nigerian American man was paired with an older man from Algeria who spoke French.

The Nigerian American man is an already very accomplished novelist, and yet he’s still going to medical school because that’s what his parents want. Talk about filial piety.

The “prizes” were madeleines from Boule Bakery. How literary. Love it.

Today I went to What Makes a Home? I ended up arriving at the same time as one of the panelists, Alain de Botton, who looks way different from his photo in real life. He’s kinda sexy too, in a supersmart, British-y kind of way, for which I am now apparently a cheap whore.

Lee Stringer was also on the panel. I haven’t read his books yet, but this is the second time I’ve heard him speak and yet again I really liked him.

I have to admit during both panels I thought a lot about H. and that he’d have appreciated the talks and thought they were fun and interesting. I, for one, wish that I’d gone to more events. Next year.


27
Apr 07

Send and you shall receive

Class was good last night though for some reason fewer and fewer people are showing, which sucked because my piece was workshopped. Oh well. Still got some good feedback.

I forgot how we got on this topic, but someone referenced a Hedwig and the Angry Inch song, the Origin of Love, which is based on Plato’s Symposium. I wasn’t familiar with either, but when my classmate started to tell the story, I couldn’t believe it: just days before I had written that into my memoir.

The speech my father made at my wedding was based on this (Plato’s thing, not the tranny thing), about how long ago men and woman used to be one creature with two heads, two arms, and two legs, that the gods split them, and that’s why men and women went around looking for each other, for their “other halves.”

I thought the story sounded familiar though my dad claimed to have made it up.

There were a few things in class that came up like that, and all from the same classmate, like he was in my brain and pulling stuff out that I’d been thinking about recently.

I guess in ESP there are senders and receivers. For a long time I’ve thought I could send out my thoughts, like I’ll be walking behind a slow person and thinking, Move, move, MOVE, and I swear they’ll turn around as though I’ve said it aloud.

In another writing class, we had to pretend to be characters and to pick names for our characters, and about three times in a wrong, someone picked the very name I was thinking at that moment.

When these things happen, I always feel a weird energy in the air, like this buzzing web, but it doesn’t feel weird at the time. It feels perfectly natural.


24
Apr 07

Update on writerly world drama

The put-out responder claims she was being tongue-in-cheek. See what a simple emoticon would have done to assuage the unintended sarcasm?


24
Apr 07

More drama from the writerly world

Plus I’m sick of my pathetic last post.

For my writing class, to give everyone enough time to read pieces scheduled to be workshopped on Thursday, the scheduled workshoppers need to send their pieces to everyone by Monday. This week three are up, and only one was sent. Today the teacher wrote everyone, checking if we’d be receiving the appointed pieces in time, if at all.

Then an eager beaver replied to all, saying that if the scheduled workshoppers “bailed” this week, she had a piece ready.

Bailing has been a common occurrence lately. I don’t get why people do it. You pay good money to have your work critiqued – why wouldn’t you take the opportunity, even to turn in something crappy? But it was definitely a poor choice of words.

One of the scheduled workshoppers replied to everyone, “Nice attitude. Some of us write for a living,” and then proceeded to make some sarcastic remarks about how “generous” everyone was.

Yikes.

Email makes communication – or miscommunication – way too easy. Reminds me of this book I heard about on Talk of the Nation. Surprisingly the authors are pro-emoticons. Me too, in the right context and with the right people.

Anyway, the teacher stepped in with some reasonable words, but I’m still nervous about how the interaction between the emailer and the respondee will be on Thursday. Nervous, or excited. >:)


16
Apr 07

Snarky update

The annoying person in my writing class has dropped out! Woohoo! Peace and harmony for the last three weeks.

She was supposed to workshop a piece this week. Like a vulture I swept in and asked if I could take her place, although we’re all only supposed to go twice, and this would be my third time. But another girl went three times, I think.

And besides, if no one else volunteers, there will be a big chunk of unoccupied time, like there was last week, though some people, including me, liked getting out a little early.


15
Apr 07

Another one bites the dust

Weekend that is.

Today was a hermit day. It’s been raining and raining, and I haven’t wanted to go outside. I definitely didn’t want to take mass transit, and I didn’t want to walk in the rain just to get soaked. Plus I may have a tiny cold.

The vibe in my writing class is very good. Maybe because the teacher is a good combination of mellow and assertive – and he knows what he’s talking about – and everyone gets along so well. Well, almost everyone. But it’s not like she’s mean, just annoying. And she wasn’t in class on Thursday. Woohoo!

This week’s nugget: literary voice is biological. Some French philosopher said it. Don’t fight your strenghts but play them up. My literary voice is spare and clean. I’ve wished it were richer, like Michael Chabon’s, but I just can’t do it. So I don’t try anymore. I go with what I know.

Friday I took the day off to hit the Small Press Center’s fourth annual New York writers’ conference. I went to almost all nonfiction panels, except during the agent one I left because the focus seemed to be on commercial nonfiction rather than memoir, which is more like a novel. So I popped into the fiction agents panel.

Nuggets from the conference:

  • An author on writers’ group feedback: “If one person says it, grain of salt. But if two people say it, it’s something to consider.”
  • A great title is important. Duh, right? Examples of great titles: The Year of Magical Thinking, Angela’s Ashes, The Lucifer Effect.
  • Something important to agents is to show that you’re really a writer, not someone for whom writing is a hobby or a whim. Show that you’ve tried to get published in the right places, even if you haven’t actually gotten published.

Yesterday was a quiet yet productive day. Spent the morning updating my checkbook and organizing my files. Hung out with SB and Ellie for a few hours in the afternoon. Ellie insisted on walking most of the way to the farmer’s market so that took a year and a half.

She also insisted I come inside afterwards to play. What’s hilarious is that one of her stuffed toys, a hedgehog, somehow got named after one of my friends, Aki, who visited a couple of weeks ago. So all afternoon we’re calling this stuffed hedgehog Aki. “Where’s Aki, Ellie? Go get Aki!”

When it was time for Ellie’s nap (although of course she insisted it wasn’t), I booked, hitting a few stores for provisions. Late in the afternoon I actually felt inspired enough to run. Four miles, woohoo! though my left leg is sore today, from my hamstring through the arch of my foot, which always seems to happen when I run hills outside. I probably overextend.

Today, like I said, was extremely lazy. I’m not dreading work this week, for a change. Last week I finally tackled some stuff I’d been putting off for a long time. I bought this book on how to stop worrying, and I’m beginning to understand my procrastination and worry go hand in hand, that they’re like this vicious cycle that I can break out of by assigning to each “worry” simple steps that have immediate action.

That’s productive worry. Then there’s the unproductive kind, like that I’ll never remarry. But there’s only so much control I have over that and also I should look at the reasons behind this worry. Right now? I just came out of something that seemed promising so I’m bummed and lonely. Am I afraid of being alone? No. Do I feel like I have nothing else in my life? No.

An uncertain future doesn’t necessarily equal a bad future.

Usually I peruse the marriage announcements in the Times to see if there’s anyone I know, but today I looked for people my age or older. There were quite a few actually.

Today I was struck with the idea of saving up to a buy a little house by the water. By what water, who knows. I got a tax refund this year for a change so I feel encouraged in the financial area. I’ve been resistant to looking for something to buy, maybe because I thought I had to live in the city, but I like the idea of a little spinster house, all my own. That would be my dream, to write in my little house and come to the city for long visits, and other friends’ cities for visits, and travel everywhere.